The Long Walk

We had to learn it in eighth grade history if we wanted an A.”
    “The face of a founding father and the mentality of a syphilitic donkey,” McVries said sadly. “Abraham, how did you get into a balls-up like this?”
    “Bragged my way in,” Abraham said promptly. He started to go on and the guns interrupted him. There was the familiar mailsack thud.
    “That was Gallant,” Baker said, looking back. “He’s been walking dead all day.”
    “Bragged his way into it,” Garraty mused, and then laughed.
    “Sure.” Abraham ran a hand up one cheek and scratched the cavernous hollow under one eye. “You know the essay test?”
    They all nodded. An essay, Why Do You Feel Qualified to Participate in the Long Walk?, was a standard part of the Mentals section of the exam. Garraty felt a warm trickle on his right heel and wondered if it was blood, pus, sweat, or all of the above. There seemed to be no pain, although his sock felt ragged back there.
    “Well, the thing was,” Abraham said, “I didn’t feel particularly qualified to participate in anything. I took the exam completely on the spur of the moment. I was on my way to the movies and I just happened past the gym where they were having the test. You have to show your Work Permit card to get in, you know. I just happened to have mine with me that day. If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have bothered to go home and get it. I just would have gone on to the movies and I wouldn’t be here right now, dying in such jolly company.”
    They considered this silently.
    “I took the physical and then I zipped through the objective stuff and then I see this three-page blank at the end of the folder. ‘Please answer this question as objectively and honestly as you can, using not more than 1500 words,’ oh holy shit, I think. The rest of it was sort of fun. What a bunch of fucked-up questions.”
    “Yeah, how often do you have a bowel movement?” Baker said dryly. “Have you ever used snuff ?”
    “Yeah, yeah, stuff like that,” Abraham agreed. “I’d forgotten all about that stupid snuff question. I just zipped along, bullshitting in good order, you know, and I come to this essay about why I feel qualified to participate. I couldn’t think of a thing. So finally some bastard in an army coat strolls by and says, ‘Five minutes. Will everyone finish up, please?’ So I just put down, ‘I feel qualified to participate in the Long Walk because I am one useless S.O.B. and the world would be better off without me, unless I happened to win and get rich in which case I would buy a Van Go to put in every room of my manshun and order up sixty high-class horrs and not bother anybody.’ I thought about that for about a minute, and then I put in parenthesis: ‘(I would give all my sixty high-class horrs old-age pensions, too.)’ I thought that would really screw ’em up. So a month later—I’d forgotten all about the whole thing—I get a letter saying I qualified. I damn near creamed my jeans.”
    “And you went through with it?” Collie Parker demanded.
    “Yeah, it’s hard to explain. The thing was, everybody thought it was a big joke. My girlfriend wanted to have the letter photographed and get it turned into a T-shirt down at the Shirt Shack, like she thought I’d pulled the biggest practical joke of the century. It was like that with everybody. I’d get the big glad hand and somebody was always saying something like, ‘Hey, Abe, you really tweaked the Major ’s balls, din’tchoo?’ It was so funny I just kept on going. I tell you,” Abraham said, smiling morbidly, “it got to be a real laff riot. Everybody thought I was just gonna go on tweaking the Major ’s balls to the very end. Which was what I did. Then one morning I woke up and I was in. I was a Prime Walker, sixteenth out of the drum, as a matter of fact. So I guess it turned out the Major was tweaking my balls.”
    An abortive little cheer went through the Walkers, and Garraty glanced up. A huge reflector sign overhead informed them: AUGUSTA 10.
    “You could just die laughing, right?” Collie said.
    Abraham looked at Parker for a long time. “The Founding Father is not amused,” he said hollowly.

Chapter 14
    “And remember, if you use your hands, or gesture with any part of your body, or use any part of the word, you will forfeit your chance for the ten thousand dollars. Just give a list. Good luck.”
    —Dick Clark The Ten Thousand Dollar Pyramid
     
     
     
     
    They had all pretty