The Long War

in silicon and gel, even if he is wrapped in a cloak of mystery. Enough people are aware of his origins; at least my basic existence might be accepted.’
    ‘What place in the world?’
    She pursed her lips. ‘Well, Joshua, as you ought to know if you ever paid any attention, before my final illness I was deputy chief executive of the Leadership Conference of Women Religious, which represents most of America’s Catholic sisters. I was actually in the middle of a terrific fight with the Vatican itself, its Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith. That’s the Inquisition, to you. About a book by a Sister Hilary in Cleveland.’
    ‘A book? What about?’
    ‘The spiritual benefits of female masturbation.’
    Joshua sprayed coffee. The male heads turned again.
    Her eyes glittered, as if she was ready for the fight. ‘We’ve been at war with the Pope and his cardinals since the Second Vatican Council. Just because we think social justice is more important than opposing abortion or same-sex marriage. Just because we reject their patronizing patriarchy – which is why nuns become nuns in the first place, one way or another. Oh, I can’t wait to get back into the fray, Joshua. And with this new body I’m never going to run out of steam, am I? I’ll be the Energizer bunny of militant nuns.’
    ‘What’s an Energizer bunny?’
    ‘Oh my dear child, you have so much to learn.’
    ‘Tell me why Lobsang brought you back. Not for my benefit, I’m guessing?’
    She snorted. ‘Maybe that’s ten per cent of it. Apparently, I am to serve as a moral compass for Lobsang himself.’
    ‘Hmm. That’s not necessarily a bad idea.’
    ‘Maybe so, but I remain astonished that he doesn’t realize that the pointer of my own moral compass is severely bent around the stop.’
    He grinned. ‘I remember when you hit that papal nuncio with a shoe. We all enjoyed that, even though we knew nothing about the scandal that guy was wrapped up in at the time. Then about two years afterwards the cover-up was exposed, and we all wished that you had hit him with both shoes.’
    ‘Of course, at first, I hated Lobsang for bringing me back from the dead. What a cheek. While at the same time, if you can understand me, I was beside myself with gratitude that he did so.’ She looked down at her body, at her hands.
    ‘But he gave you the choice of not going along with this, right? You could have gone off and led some independent – umm, life. Or—’
    ‘Or have him show me where my off switch is.’
    ‘How did he convince you?’
    She looked thoughtful. ‘Well, I’ll tell you the truth. It was one particular conversation we had. Lobsang said about something or other, “Does not compute.” “Right,” I said . . .’
    ‘That was an ironic allusion, by the way,’ Lobsang had added.
    They had been in a kind of gym, both in more or less incongruous tracksuits, where Lobsang was helping Agnes develop her physical reflexes.
    ‘ What was an ironic allusion?’
    ‘The phrase “does not compute” was used in an ironic sense to imply bewildered exasperation,’ said Lobsang patiently. ‘It was not used unthinkingly as an error message in response to insufficient or contradictory information.’
    ‘Lobsang?’
    ‘Yes?’
    ‘What the hell are you talking about?’
    ‘You persist in thinking of me as a computer. I am trying to dispel that illusion. Why are you shaking your head?’
    ‘Sorry. It’s just, well, you’re trying too hard, I think.’
    ‘You may call me “Lobby”. Perhaps pet names will break the ice, do you suppose?’
    ‘Lobby . . .’
    (‘Joshua, he kept pausing, waiting for me to carry on talking. Have you ever spent time with a foreigner who wants to practise his English on you? Lobsang was like that, in those first few days, anxiously trying out his humanity on me . . .’)
    ‘Look,’ Agnes said, ‘you’re going about it all wrong . You’re not a human. You can’t be a human. You’re a very intelligent machine. You’re more than human. Can’t you live with that? Being human isn’t about the brain, it’s all tied up with messy things like – well, organs and juices and instincts.’
    ‘You are describing your body, not yourself. In fact your former body.’
    ‘Yes, but—’
    ‘Externally you were an animal, but that was not your self . Externally I am a machine, but you should not judge by appearances.’
    ‘OK, but—’
    ‘We could try the Turin test,’ said Lobsang.
    ‘Oh,