The McRae Series 01 - Twelve Days Sam and Rachel

she'd seen Emma and Zach on her porch in their pitifully inadequate clothing, from the moment Miriam showed up like something out of Rachel's dream and put the baby in her arms. Certainly from the time Zach had wrapped his arms around her and asked solemnly if his hug made everything all better. She was in it for the long haul. She would not desert them now.
    Emma stared up at her, so troubled, so hesitant, so much need and longing in her eyes.
    "I'm not going to kick you out after Christmas," she said, trying to lighten the mood and keep herself from saying something so heartfelt she'd burst into tears right there. "You can stay as long as you need to. I promise."
    And it wasn't until she looked up into her husband's grim features—he heard everything she'd said to Emma—that she realized she'd done it again. She'd made a monumental decision without ever considering his feelings in the matter, without ever talking to him about it.
    Was she simply going to sit back and let him go without trying to salvage something of the last twelve years? Did she think to use these kids as a way to fill up her life when Sam was gone? She looked at them, Zach and Emma piling into the sleigh, down at the baby in her arms, and felt again that connection between herself and them. It was real, Rachel thought. It was powerful and filled her inside in all those empty places she'd lived with for so long.
    But it was no substitute for what she felt for Sam. She still ached at the thought, was still panicked.
    Then she thought of one more thing. Could she keep the children without Sam? They'd been approved as foster parents as a couple. She didn't even have a job. Maybe she had made rash promises she wouldn't be able to keep. She'd have to check with Miriam right away, hopefully without going into all the specifics of what was going on between her and Sam.
    She looked up, finding he was closer than she realized, that closed-off look to his face replacing the anger and shock she'd seen moments ago when she'd made her promise to Emma. Did he really want the children to go? Or was he thinking like a man who was leaving his wife, a man who knew the promises she'd just made, she might not be able to keep because he was leaving.
    "Rachel?" he asked.
    "Yes?" She was suddenly scared of what he was going to say. She still wasn't ready to talk about him leaving. God, she didn't think she ever would be.
    "Get in," he said.
    She looked at him once more, lost in her thoughts, only then realizing they were all waiting for her, staring at her.
    "Sorry," she said, putting the baby in his arms.
    He looked startled and uneasy at that, and his eyes seemed to accuse her of things she didn't quite understand. He might come off as gruff as a bear at times with the children, but she could swear it was pure defense mechanisms. He didn't want to get attached to them, didn't want to get hurt when they left. He was still trying to protect her from that, too. Didn't that mean something? That even as he was leaving her, he still cared enough to want to protect her.
    For so long, they'd lived their lives trying not to get hurt, curling up inside themselves and being wary of where the next blow was coming from, but it had to stop. It was time to reach for something better, something wonderful, and she wanted to reach out to Sam, the man she used to know. The one she'd fallen in love with. Laughed with, cried with, and lived with for a dozen years.
    Rachel held out her hands for the baby, and Sam climbed in, having no choice but to sit beside her, his body pressed close to hers. He pulled a big, green blanket around all five of them and picked up the reins and off they went.
    * * *
    Emma sat with Zach on her lap. He talked the whole time, so excited he couldn't even sit still. There was the big yellow moon and all the stars, the snow, the horse, the sleigh, all the trees. He couldn't imagine Christmas trees growing in a field and kept saying theirs had always come from a box and had to be put together, kind of like his Tinkertoys.
    He squirmed and grinned and seemed totally happy, and Emma was glad for that. Grace, too, seemed perfectly content here with Sam and Rachel. But Emma was getting more worried every moment.
    It had been eight days since she'd seen her mother, and she simply couldn't imagine what could have kept her away for so long. She knew her mother loved them. She knew it. But she was gone. She'd been gone for so long.
    Emma was afraid something awful had