The McRae Series 01 - Twelve Days Sam and Rachel

how unhappy you must have been for you to think you had to go, and I can't blame you for that, Sam. I know what it's been like between us for a long time. I know what I've been like."
    "You've been so sad," he said.
    She nodded.
    "I never wanted to hurt you," he said, then took her face, her wet cheeks, between his hands, bent down, and touched his forehead to hers. "It seems like we've been sad forever."
    "I know. I never wanted to make you miserable, Sam. I wanted you to be happy. I still do. Whatever it takes," she said. "Even if it's leaving me."
    She let the words sit there between them, not liking at all the way it sounded, as if she were offering her permission for him to go, but not knowing how else to say it. She was going to think about what he needed now, what it would take for him to be happy.
    She was setting him free and yet...
    "Hey, it's not a hint," she said as lightly as she could. "I meant what I said yesterday. If it were up to me, you'd always be here. But I'm not going to try to hold you here if you believe you have to go."
    "I don't know what I want." He shook his head back and forth and said, "I thought I did, but... Leaving you would be the hardest thing I've ever done. Harder than losing my parents, my brother, our baby. It would be the worst thing."
    Rachel stood there, afraid to even breathe, wanting to plead her case and not sure if she had the right. Was that setting him free? Did that cross the line?
    "I think things can be different," she said tentatively. "I think I've done so many things wrong for so long, and I'm sorry."
    "It's not your fault," he insisted.
    "A lot of it is. I couldn't control all the things that happened to us, but I had a say in how I dealt with them. Or didn't deal with them."
    "It's been hard," he said. "All of it."
    "And it shouldn't all have been hard. We still had each other. We have a whole lot of family left, more than most people ever have to start with, and we have this house. I know it's not what you wanted..."
    "I've gotten attached to this old house," he said.
    "But it's not what you wanted. I was happy to stay here, because I have so many happy memories here. I know it's always going to be my grandfather's house in a lot of ways, but it's ours, too, Sam. Do you remember how it looked when we first moved in? How much it's changed? We did that together, you and me. I can look in any corner of this house and remember you and me here. We made it what it is today, and that makes it special to me."
    "The house is not the problem, Rachel."
    "I know. It's just that... If you want something else, that's fine with me. If you want to go back to school, it's not too late, Sam. You could take classes at night at the community college right here in town. There are programs now where you take classes just on the weekends or over the internet. If you still want an architecture degree, it's not too late."
    "Rachel, that was something I wanted a long time ago. When I wanted out of this town—"
    "And we can go. If you want to go. If you want me with you."
    He stood there, looking surprised and confused and at a loss. "I haven't thought about leaving this town in years. It's different now. It's where we live, Rachel."
    "I thought I'd taken so many things away from you, and I wanted you to know that I'm ready to put you first and what you want. And I know that's something I haven't done before, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Sam."
    "Rachel, you didn't do this to us. Life just worked out this way. And maybe it's been more about what you wanted than what I thought I wanted, but mostly it's been what life did to us. I'm not sorry about ending up in this town, or in this house, or with the business. I like it. Maybe more than I ever would have liked being an architect. I don't know. All of those were things a teenage boy wanted a long time ago."
    "And he wanted me," she said. "That boy wanted me."
    "He still wants you." Sam reached out to take a strand of her hair between his fingertips. "He's always wanted you."
    "But you were going to leave me. Why did you think you had to go, Sam?"
    "I... It was Will, Rachel. I think it must have been losing Will. I... I know we didn't have him for long, but I loved him. I hadn't let myself love anyone but you in so long, and I thought things were finally going to be okay for us and that we'd have Will. And then when his mother came back and they took him away from us... It was like everyone I'd ever lost in my life, like losing them all, all