The Never List

out a cigarette. “Mind if I smoke? I didn’t think so.” He lit it and took a long slow draw, then blew the smoke, predictably, right into my face. I coughed but tried not to show any emotion.
    “I knew who you were right from the start, my dear. That firstday you came walking into my office. Right to my door! I couldn’t believe my good fortune. So, you know, I had you followed. We have tracked you every step of the way. Who do you think that was on your little Girl Scout trip to the lake?”
    I looked at Tracy. She was scared. I didn’t know whether there was anything to say that could help us here. If I had thought begging for my life would work, I would have begged. But I could see in his eyes that wouldn’t get me anything but laughter. It would delight him to see me grovel, but ultimately nothing would change his plans.
    “Wondering what we do over here in this nice warehouse? Well, of course, this is where we have our services. Sermons several days a week, right, boys?”
    The two men laughed gruffly, and the one holding me slackened his grip a bit. I looked at the door they’d come through. It was open. I could see the white van parked outside in sharp relief against the dark sky. I didn’t see anyone out there with it, but could hear the engine humming. A dim hope sparked up inside me.
    I glanced over at Tracy to see if she saw this chance too, but her eyes were glazed over from fear and she wouldn’t, or couldn’t, make eye contact with me. Once again I would have to leave her to make an escape. I hesitated for an instant—a fatal instant, as it turned out, because before I could act, Noah jerked his head toward the door and the men tightened their grips and dragged us toward it.
    I fought back, kicking and screaming as loudly as I could. My violent outbreak finally seemed to shock Tracy out of her stupor, and she started yelling as well. I knew, from every warning of my childhood and every experience thereafter, including that most devastating one, that I couldn’t let them get us in that vehicle. At that point all would be lost. Never get in the car . I’d learned it the hard way.
    I summoned every last ounce of strength I had, but my captor squeezed my arms so tight, I thought he might twist the flesh off the bone. It burned. I knew that burn. The pain spurred me on to greater violence. I thrashed, I went limp and then taut again, fighting with all my might. But Noah didn’t keep these guys around for their witty conversation. They were strong as hell. And they had us.

CHAPTER 29
    Before we could fully register what was happening, the back doors of the van were thrown open, and I saw seven or eight girls, all younger than we were, dressed in identical, thin white robes, with sad eyes and drawn faces, looking back at us without emotion or surprise. We were unceremoniously tossed into the back, almost landing on several of them. They didn’t flinch. In fact, they barely acknowledged our presence. New arrivals, apparently, were par for the course.
    I looked up in time to see the van doors clanging shut. I heard the front doors open and slam and the engine rev. A solid metal divider formed a barrier between us and the drivers: we couldn’t see them, they couldn’t see us. A narrow rectangular window ran along each side of the cargo hold. I couldn’t quite tell in the dark, but I suspected they were tinted an impenetrable shade of black. The church van.
    I banged desperately on the doors until Tracy pulled me awayand shoved me into an empty pull-down seat at the front of the van. I noticed there were seat belts, but none of the girls were wearing any. Tracy and I sat next to each other, and I pulled the seat belt around me and clicked it in place with trembling fingers. Even in our desperate situation, Tracy raised her eyebrows at me, but then pulled on hers as well. Might as well not die in a car accident, though perhaps these other girls felt it would be a fate better than anything else they had going.
    It was dark in back, but one small light had been left on overhead, so I could see the faces of the girls near us quite clearly. They seemed even younger up close. Some were pretty, or had been before the life had been sucked out of them. Some were not. They all looked half-starved, just as we had all those years ago.
    I recognized their self-protective expressions, all of them turning their faces inward somehow, to whatever small safe haven was left inside their minds. The one place