The Reason I Jump: The Inner Voice of a Thirteen-Year-Old Boy With Autism

don’t like holding hands, it’s just that, if we happen to spot something interesting, we can’t help but dash off and let go of the hand we were holding. I don’t even remember letting it go until I hear the other person say, ‘Huh – it looks like he doesn’t want to hold my hand.’
    That really used to depress me. But because I can’t explain to the person why I let go of his or her hand, and since I do in fact find it hard to keep holding the hand for long, there’s not much I can do about the misunderstanding.
    It’s really not a matter of whose hand I’m holding, or even of the act of holding hands itself. It’s this impulse kids with autism have to dart off to anything that looks remotely interesting: this is what we have to tackle.

Q13 D O YOU PREFER TO BE ON YOUR OWN?
    ‘Ah, don’t worry about him – he’d rather be on his own.’
    How many times have we heard this? I can’t believe that anyone born as a human being really wants to be left all on their own, not really. No, for people with autism, what we’re anxious about is that we’re causing trouble for the rest of you, or even getting on your nerves.
This
is why it’s hard for us to stay around other people. This is why we often end up being left on our own.
    The truth is, we’d love to be with other people. But because things never, ever go right, we end up getting used to being alone, without even noticing this is happening. Whenever I overhear someone remark how much I prefer being on my own, it makes me feel desperately lonely. It’s as if they’re deliberately giving me the cold-shoulder treatment.



Q14 W HY DO YOU IGNORE US WHEN WE’RE TALKING TO YOU?
    If someone’s talking to me from somewhere far off, I don’t notice. You’re probably thinking, ‘same here’, yes? A major headache for me, however, is that even when someone’s right here in front of me, I still don’t notice when they’re talking to me.
    ‘Not noticing’, however, is not the same as ‘deliberately ignoring’. But often people assume I must be arrogant or ‘retarded’. People around me always make me realize that I’m being spoken to by saying things like, ‘Say hello back, then, Naoki,’ or, ‘What do you say, then?’ So whenever that happens I just repeat what I’ve been told to say, like a mynah bird learning a new word. Even though I feel guilty towards the person who has spoken to me, I can’t even apologize, so I end up feeling miserable and ashamed that I can’t manage a proper human relationship.
    A person who’s looking at a mountain far away doesn’t notice the prettiness of a dandelion in front of them. A person who’s looking at a dandelion in front of them doesn’t see the beauty of a mountain far away. To us, people’s voices are a bit like that. It’s very difficult for us to know someone’s there and that they’re talking to us, just by his or her voice.
    So it would help us a great deal if you could just use our names first to get our attention, before you then start talking to us.

Q15 W HY ARE YOUR FACIAL EXPRESSIONS SO LIMITED?
    Our expressions only seem limited because you think differently from us. It’s troubled me for quite a while that I can’t laugh along when everyone else is laughing. For a person with autism, the idea of what’s fun or funny doesn’t match yours, I guess. More than that, there are times when situations feel downright hopeless to us – our daily lives are so full of tough stuff to tackle. At other times, if we’re surprised, or feel tense, or embarrassed, we just freeze up and become unable to show any emotion whatsoever.
    Criticizing people, winding them up, making idiots of them or fooling them doesn’t make people with autism laugh. What makes us smile from the inside is seeing something beautiful, or a memory that makes us laugh. This generally happens when there’s nobody watching us. And at night, on our own, we might burst out laughing underneath the duvet, or roar with laughter in an empty room … when we don’t need to think about other people or anything else, that’s when we wear our natural expressions.

Q16 I S IT TRUE THAT YOU HATE BEING TOUCHED?
    Personally, I have no particular problem with physical contact, but sure, some people with autism can’t stand being hugged or touched. I don’t know why, to be honest – I guess it just makes them feel uneasy. Even the way we adjust our clothing to match the season, putting on more clothes in winter and