The Republic of Wine

dog-fart essays.’ I say, gripped by terror. ‘Not worth mentioning. A little extra income for the family.’
    ‘My dear Doctor,’ he says, let’s you and me do a little business.’
    ‘What kind of business?’ I ask.
    ‘You ghost-write my autobiography,’ he says, ‘and I’ll give you twenty-thousand cash.’
    I am so excited my heart thumps wildly, but all I say is, ‘I’m afraid my meager talents are inadequate for such an important task.’
    Waving off my disclaimer, he says, ‘Don’t give me any of that false modesty. It’s settled. You’ll come here every Tuesday night and I’ll relate my experiences to you.’
    ‘Revered elder brother, money or not, as your inferior, it would be an honor to memorialize the life of such an extraordinary man. Money or not…’
    ‘Can the hypocrisy, jerk,’ he sneers. ‘Money makes the devil turn the millstone. There may be people in this world who don’t love money, but I’ve never met any. Which is why I can announce that I’m going to fuck every pretty girl in Liquorland!’
    ‘Elder brother’s charm has a lot to do with it.’
    ‘Pah!' he blurts out. ‘Up your old lady’s you-know-what! Chairman Mao said, “It’s critical to recognize one’s own limitations.” I’ve had enough of your bullshit, so get out of my sight.’
    He takes a carton of Marlboros out of his desk drawer and tosses it to me. Holding the cigarettes in my hand, I thank him profusely, then get my ass back to the Grape Room, where I join you, friends, ladies and gentlemen, at the table.
    Several dwarfs come up to pour tea and alcoholic beverages and to set the table with plates and chopsticks. They whirl around the table as if they were on wheels. The tea is Oolong, the liquor Maotai; no local flavor, but easily state-banquet quality. First to be served are twelve cold delicacies arranged in the shape of a lotus flower: donkey stomach, donkey liver, donkey heart, donkey intestines, donkey lungs, donkey tongue, and donkey lips … all donkey stuff. Friends, sample these delicacies sparingly and leave room for what follows, for experience tells me that the best is yet to come. Take note, friends, here come the hot dishes. You, the lady over there, be careful, don’t burn yourself! A dwarf all in red - painted red lips and rouged cheeks, red shoes and a red cap, red from head to toe, like a red candle - rolls up to the table carrying a steaming platter of food. She opens her mouth, and out spills a flurry of words, falling like pearls: ‘Braised donkey ear. Enjoy!’ ‘Steamed donkey brains, for your dining pleasure!’ ‘Pearled donkey eyes, for your dining pleasure!’ The donkey eyes, in beautifully contrasting black and white, lay pooled on a large platter. Go ahead, friends, dig in. Don’t be afraid. They might appear to be alive, but they are, after all, just food. But, hold on, there are only two eyes but ten of us. How do we divide them up fairly. Will you help us out here, miss? The red candle girl smiles and picks up a steel fork. Two gentle pokes, and the black pearls pop, filling the platter with a gelatinous liquid. Use your spoons, comrades, scoop it up, one spoonful at a time. It may not be a pretty dish, but it tastes wonderful. I know there’s another dish for which Yichi Tavern is famous. It’s called Black Dragon Sporting with Pearls. The main ingredients are a donkey dick and a pair of donkey eyes. Today, however, the chef has used the eyes to make Pearled Donkey Eyes, so it looks like there’ll be no sporting by the donkey dick this time. Who knows, maybe we’re eating a female donkey.
    Don’t be shy, brothers and sisters. Loosen your belts, let your bellies hang out, eat till you burst. There’ll be no toasting, since we’re all family. Just drink to your hearts’ content. And don’t worry about the bill. Today you can bleed me. ‘Donkey ribs in wine, for your dining pleasure.’ ‘Donkey tongue in brine, for your dining pleasure.’ ‘Braised donkey tendons, for your dining pleasure.’ ‘Pear and lotus root donkey throat, for your dining pleasure.’ ‘Golden whip donkey tail, for your dining pleasure.’ ‘Steamed and fried donkey intestines, for your dining pleasure.’ ‘Stewed donkey hooves with sea cucumbers, for your dining pleasure.’
    ‘Five-spice donkey liver, for your dining pleasure.’ … and so on …
    A medley of donkey dishes flows onto our table, filling stomachs that are now stretched taut as drums, and drawing