The Reunion

haven’t been in the same marriage all this time, as though we haven’t been living the same life.’
    ‘Some of those things…’ Her voice faltered a little, her head dropped, her fingers pressed to her temples.
    ‘Lilah?’
    ‘It hurts.’
    He moved closer to her, put his arm around her shoulders and pulled her to his chest.
    ‘Some things are said in anger. But Andrew, there is a side of you…’ She stopped talking, breathed deeply.
    ‘Lilah, you need to lie down, you need to rest now. We’ll talk again tomorrow.’
    ‘No, no!’ Her voice was a hiss, a harsh whisper as though from an old woman. ‘We have to fix this, you have to fix this. Some part of you is only about atonement, she sees that. You’ve done enough. You have paid your price. Now stop. You’re done now. You’ve done everything right. You married a woman, such a woman! And she loves you. You raised beautiful, clever girls. They are the best of you both, those two, they’re spirited, they’re clever, they’re beautiful. You worked hard. You have lived a good life.’ Her face was pressed against him, her tears soaking through his sweatshirt. ‘I envy you. I wish I had lived the life you have. I was always planning to do something right, but somehow I never got round to it. Isn’t that silly?’
    They sat in the dark, he held her and he talked softly about the things she’d done right: the way she loved people, totally, without restraint, the care she took of her mother, her generosity. He wasn’t sure she was listening, wasn’t sure that she could even hear him, but at last the crying stopped and her body went limp and she fell asleep in his arms. Afterwards, once he’d disentangled himself and slipped off the bed, he stood in the doorway for a long time, watching her. He was afraid to leave, so sure that he would never see her again.

 
     
    19 July 2013
    Darling Drew,
    You’ll know by now, Natalie will have told you. Don’t be sad. Well, you can be a bit sad, but not for too long. As I keep telling Zac, I wasn’t making a terribly good go of things anyway.
    Laugh. You have to.
    This letter is just for you. Don’t show it to anyone and for God’s sake if you’re reading it out loud to the family at the breakfast table, stop.
    This is just for you and me. I wanted to tell you this before we are all together again, before I have your wife at my bedside, I wanted to tell you that I’m sorry, but that I regret nothing. That I wouldn’t exchange that night in the auberge for anything. OK, that’s a lie. I would exchange it for a brain free of tumour or for Conor’s life. There aren’t many things I would exchange it for.
    I don’t regret it because the way that you and I ended was terribly wrong, and this wasn’t. This felt like friendship, it felt like love, it felt like you and me aged twenty-one. And for that, darling Drew, I am grateful.
    Please don’t tell her.
    I hope to see you very soon.
    With love,
    Lilah

Chapter Forty-eight

    September 2013
    THE HOLIDAYMAKERS WERE gone, the pop-up beach bars had all closed up, they’d packed up their tables and chairs and marquees and gone wherever they all went until next summer. Next summer. The promised land.
    Lilah, Natalie and Jen were alone on the beach, save for a handful of pensioners shuffling along the sand or sitting on the promenade, feeding the gulls. They’d found themselves a sheltered spot at the furthest end of the stretch of pale yellow sand, and Jen and Nat had erected one of those windbreaker things, although there was only the gentlest of breezes. Still, it was nice, it gave them the sensation of being alone in the world with just the sand and the water and the birds overhead for company. Lilah sat on a deckchair, a towel flung over her legs. She couldn’t bear to look at them any longer.
    ‘Like a chicken,’ she said to Natalie. ‘I look exactly like a chicken.’
    When she’d stepped on the scales the previous morning, she’d weighted ninety-seven pounds.
    ‘And at least three pounds of that is tumour,’ she said.
    She was already feeling sleepy – they’d got up early to drive to the beach. It was just going to be a day trip, and Jen and Nat weren’t even sure that was a good idea. Lilah, however, had insisted. She’d been feeling a little stronger the past couple of days and she had to take advantage of the good days, she was determined to do that. Plus, she wanted to spend quality time with the girls: Zac would be back from London