The Reunion

You’ve lived a good life, so has Nat. So has Dan, for that matter. Christ, the mistakes we made twenty years ago are just that, mistakes we made a long time ago. They’re not indelible stains, are they?’
    He turned to face her, looked her directly in the eye. ‘You might think that I’m stupid, or naïve or something, but the truth is that I am disappointed. I am disappointed in you. In myself. I’m disappointed in all of us.’
    Jen pushed her hands through her hair, she looked different, tired, ten years older.
    ‘Did
he
ever disappoint you, Andrew? Tell me, did Conor ever do anything you thought wasn’t good or honourable? Was he a saint? Because I think that somewhere along the line you canonised him. Did he always behave impeccably?’
    ‘No. No, of course not, but he didn’t betray you, Jen.’
    She took his hand, squeezed it, and dropped it.
    ‘No, he didn’t, that’s true.’ Her head dropped, her chin almost to her chest. ‘I’m sorry I haven’t lived up to your standards, Andrew. But sometimes I wonder whether anyone could have.’ He started to object, but she stopped him. ‘I never asked you to be responsible for me. I think it’s time you stopped thinking of me as your little sister. I don’t need you to be my protector. And I don’t need you to judge me, either.’ She walked past him and out into the sunshine, turned back to look at him. ‘You know that’s why I left, don’t you? I couldn’t be around you all, feeling sorry for me, feeling I was deserving of sympathy, after what I’d done. My entire life since then has been defined by two things, by a mistake and by an accident. I believe that it’s time that changed, that I start doing the defining for myself.’ She walked off down the hill, flask in hand, long hair swinging down her back, and she was young again. He blinked the tears from his eyes and squinted a little, he might just as well have been looking at her twenty years ago.
    He stayed in the forest for a long time, staring into the heart of the woods, into the darkness, hoping (ridiculously) that like Lilah had he might catch a glimpse of an old friend. It was cool in the shade, and if you sat still for long enough, other life started to make itself known, creatures scurrying in the undergrowth, birds calling overhead, insects pottering along across the leaves. It became meditative, mesmerising. He wasn’t sure how long he sat there – he wasn’t wearing a watch and he didn’t have his phone – but it seemed like a long time. He could feel his blood start to cool, some of the anger and guilt seeping away. He was left with the remnants, which felt something like sadness, unease. And a feeling of foolishness, too, that he’d been naïve, idealistic – worse, a hypocrite. He’d been looking at everyone through rose-tinted spectacles and he’d had them ripped off and now the world just looked grey.
    Eventually, he heard footsteps approaching and he became quite afraid, perhaps he was going to see the ghost after all. It was Nat, come to look for him.
    ‘I was starting to get worried,’ she said, easing herself down gently beside him. ‘Jen said I might find you up here. She didn’t say why.’ He couldn’t bring himself to explain it, he didn’t want to tell her. ‘You thinking about Lilah?’ she asked, slipping her arm through the crook of his, pulling his body a little closer to hers.
    ‘No, it’s not that.’ He took a deep breath. ‘I was thinking I should go back home with the girls on Monday.’
    ‘Oh.’
    The plan had been to send them back to their grandparents for a week, then Andrew and Nat would join them the following week for the start of the school term. But he wasn’t sure he could stand it now, he wasn’t sure he could bear to be around Jen and Dan for another day, let alone another ten.
    ‘I’m not sure we should be sending them back on their own,’ he said, his eyes firmly ahead, not looking at his wife. ‘It’s been difficult for them, don’t you think? I know they’ve coped well, meeting everyone and dealing with the situation here, Lilah being so ill and everything, but I think it would be best if I went back with them, got them settled in at home before term starts.’
    ‘You’re probably right. We’ll go on Monday. I’ll explain to Lilah, she’ll understand. I can always come back on weekends to spend time with her.’
    ‘No,’ Andrew said, disentangling himself from her arm and getting to his feet.