The Science of Discworld II

place for gods in them, except as observers or decoration. But the actors liked playing gods …
    â€˜You’re up to something,’ said the Queen. ‘Everywhere we look, you wizards are teaching people art. Why?’
    â€˜Well, it’s a rather drab planet,’ said Rincewind.
    â€˜Everywhere we go, they’re telling stories,’ said the Queen, still slowly circling. ‘They’re filling the sky with pictures, too.’
    â€˜Oh, the constellations?’ said Rincewind. ‘They don’t change, you know. Not like at home. Amazing. I tried getting one tribe to name that big one – you know, with what looks like a belt? I thought if they ended up calling it the Bursar, and that group of little stars off to the right became The Dried Frog Pills, it’d be a nice souvenir of our visit—’
    â€˜You’re frightened of me, aren’t you,’ said the Queen. ‘All you wizards are frightened of women.’
    â€˜Not me!’ said Rincewind. ‘Women are less likely to be armed!’
    â€˜Yes you are,’ the Queen insisted, moving closer. ‘I wonder what your deepest desire is?’
    Not to be here right now would be favourite, Rincewind thought.
    â€˜I wonder what I could give you,’ said the Queen, caressing Rincewind’s cheek.
    â€˜Everyone knows that anything you get from the elves is gone by morning,’ said Rincewind, trembling.
    â€˜Yet many things are transient but pleasurable,’ said the Queen, moving rather too close. ‘What is it you want, Rincewind?’
    Rincewind shuddered. There was no way he could lie.
    â€˜Potatoes,’ he said.
    â€˜Tuberous vegetables?’ said the Queen, her brows knitting in puzzlement,
    â€˜Well, yes. They’ve got them on one of the other continents, butthey’re not what I’d call spuds, and Ponder Stibbons says that if we left things as they were then by the time they’ve been brought over to this continent and bred up a bit it’d be the end of the world. So we thought we ought to ginger up the creativity level a bit.’
    â€˜And that’s it? That’s why all you wizards are doing all this? Just to accelerate the breeding of a vegetable ?’
    â€˜ The vegetable, thank you,’ said Rincewind. ‘And you did ask. The potato, in my opinion, is the crown of the vegetable kingdom. There’s roast potatoes, jacket potatoes, boiled potatoes, fried potatoes, curried potatoes—’
    â€˜Just for a stupid tuber?’
    â€˜â€”potato soup, potato salad, potato pancakes—’
    â€˜All this for something that doesn’t even see daylight!’
    â€˜â€”mashed potato, chipped potato, stuffed potato—’
    The Queen slapped Rincewind’s face. The Luggage bumped into the back of her legs. It wasn’t entirely sure what was happening here. There were some things humans did that could be misinterpreted.
    â€˜Do you not think I could give you something better than a potato?’ she demanded.
    Rincewind looked puzzled.
    â€˜Are we talking about a sour cream topping with chives?’ he said.
    Something fell out of Rincewind’s robe as he shifted uneasily. The Queen grabbed it.
    â€˜What’s this?’ she said. ‘There’s writing all over it!’
    â€˜It’s just a script,’ said Rincewind, still thinking about potatoes. ‘A sort of story of a play,’ he added. ‘Nothing important at all. People going mad and getting killed, that sort of thing. And a glowworm.’
    â€˜I recognise this script! It’s from the future of this world. Why would you carry it around? What is so special? Hah, are there potatoes in it?’
    She leafed through the pages, as if she could read.
    â€˜This must be important!’ she snapped. And vanished.
    One solitary page slid down to the ground.
    Rincewind bent down and picked it up. Then he shouted hotly at the empty air: ‘I suppose a packet of crisps is out of the question?’

TWENTY-SIX
LIES TO CHIMPANZEES
    A CENTRAL FEATURE OF HUMAN EXTELLIGENCE is the ability to infer what is going on in another person’s mind, to guess what the world looks like from their point of view. Which is what Rincewind is trying to stop the Queen of the Elves from doing. We can’t make such inferences with perfect accuracy; that would be telepathy, which is almost certainly impossible, because each brain is wired up