The Science of Discworld II

they’ve wandered too close to a flipper and been flicked far away from the sun.
    No trouble, no complications. A few simple rules, a handful of elements … it was all so easy. Admittedly, he found it a little hard to work out exactly how you got from a few simple rules to, say, the sheen on mother-of-pearl or the common porcupine, but he was sure that you did. He wanted, intensely, to believe in a world where logic worked. It was a matter of faith.
    He envied those philosophers. They nodded to their gods and then, by degrees, destroyed them.
    And now he sighed.
    â€˜We’ve done the best we can,’ he said. ‘Your plan, Rincewind?’
    Rincewind stared at the glass sphere that was the current abode of Hex.
    â€˜Hex, is this world ready for the William Shakespeare of whom we spoke?’
    â€˜It is.’
    â€˜And he exists?’
    â€˜No. Two of his grandparents did not meet. His mother was never born.’
    In his hollow voice, Hex recounted the sad history, in detail. The wizards took notes.
    â€˜Right,’ said Ridcully, rubbing his hands together when Hex finished. ‘This at least is a simple problem. We shall need a length of string, a leather ball of some kind, and a large bunch of flowers …’
    Later, Rincewind stared at the glass sphere that was the current abode of Hex.
    â€˜Hex, now is this world ready for the William Shakespeare of whom we spoke?’
    â€˜It is.’
    â€˜And he exists?’
    â€˜Violet Shakespeare exists. She married Josiah Slink at the age of sixteen. No plays have been written, but there have been eight children of which five have survived. Her rime is fully occupied.’
    The wizards exchanged glances.
    â€˜Perhaps if we offered to babysit?’ said Rincewind.
    â€˜Too many problems,’ said Ridcully firmly. ‘Still it’s a change to have an easy one for once. We will need the probable date of conception, a stepladder and a gallon of black paint.’
    Rincewind stared at the glass sphere that was the current abode of Hex.
    â€˜Hex, is this world ready for the William Shakespeare of whom we spoke?’
    â€˜It is.’
    â€˜And he exists?’
    â€˜He was born, but died at the age of 18 months. Details follow …’
    The wizards listened. Ridcully looked thoughtful for a moment.
    â€˜This will require some strong disinfectant,’ he said. ‘And a lot of carbolic soap.’
    Rincewind stared at the glass sphere that was the current abode of Hex.
    â€˜Hex, is this world ready for the William Shakespeare of whom we spoke?’
    â€˜It is.’
    â€˜And he exists?’
    â€˜No. He was born, successfully survived several childhood illnesses, but was shot dead one night while poaching game at the age of thirteen. Details follow …’
    â€˜Another easy one,’ said Ridcully, standing up. ‘We shall need … let me see … some drab clothing, a dark lantern and a very large cosh …’
    Rincewind stared at the glass sphere that was the current abode of Hex.
    â€˜Hex, is this world ready for the William Shakespeare of whom we spoke? Please ?’
    â€˜It is.’
    â€˜And he exists?’
    â€˜Yes.’
    The wizards tried not to look hopeful. There had been too many false dawns in the last week.
    â€˜Alive?’ said Rincewind. ‘Male? Sane? Not in the Americas? Not struck by a meteorite? Not left incapacitated by a hake during an unusual fall of fish? Or killed in a duel?’
    â€˜No. At this moment he is in the tavern that you gentlemen frequent.’
    â€˜Does he have all his arms and legs?’
    â€˜Yes,’ said Hex. ‘And … Rincewind?’
    â€˜Yes?’
    â€˜As one of two unexpected collateral events to this latest interference, the potato has been brought to these shores.’
    â€˜Hot damn!’
    â€˜And Arthur J. Nightingale is a ploughman and never learned to write.’
    â€˜Near miss there,’ said Ridcully.

TWENTY-EIGHT
WORLDS OF IF
    T HE WIZARDS HAVE DEVISED A SECRET WEAPON in their battle against the elves for the soul of Roundworld, and they are busily re-engineering history to make sure that their weapon gets invented. The weapon is one Will Shakespeare – Arthur J. Nightingale just can’t hack it. And they’re proceeding by trial and error, with a lot of both. Nonetheless, they gradually persuade the flow of history to converge, step by step, towards their desired