The Science of Discworld II

have entered Roundworld. This is to be expected. +++
    â€˜Expected?’ said Ponder.
    +++ Their world is a parasite universe. It needs a host +++
    Ponder turned to Rincewind. ‘Do you understand any of this?’ he said.
    â€˜No,’ said Rincewind. ‘But I’ve run into elves.’
    â€˜And?’
    â€˜And then I’ve run away from them. You don’t hang around elves. They’re not my field, unless they’re doing fretwork. Anyway, there’s nothing on Roundworld at the moment.’
    â€˜I thought you did a report on the various species that kept turning up there?’
    â€˜You read that?’
    â€˜I read all the papers that get circulated,’ said Ponder.
    â€˜You do? ’
    â€˜You said that every so often some kind of intelligent life turns up, hangs around for a few million years, and then dies out because the air freezes or the continents explode or a giant rock smacks into the sea.’
    â€˜That’s right,’ said Rincewind. ‘Currently the globe is a snowball again.’
    â€˜So what is the faculty doing there now?’
    â€˜Drinking beer, apparently.’
    â€˜When the whole world is frozen?’
    â€˜Perhaps it’s lager.’
    â€˜But they are supposed to be running around in the woods, pulling together, solving problems and firing paint spells at one another,’ said Ponder.
    â€˜What for?’
    â€˜Didn’t you read the memo he sent out?’
    Rincewind shuddered. ‘Oh, I never read those ,’ he said.
    â€˜He took everyone off into the woods to build a dynamic team ethos,’ said Ponder. ‘It’s one of the Archchancellor’s Big Ideas. He says that if the faculty gets to know one another better, they’ll be a happier, more efficient team.’
    â€˜But they do know one another! They’ve known one another for ages! That’s why they don’t like one another very much! They won’t stand for being turned into a happy and efficient team!’
    â€˜Especially on a ball of ice,’ said Ponder. ‘They’re supposed to be in woods fifty miles away, not in a glass globe in your study! There is no way to get into Roundworld without using a considerable amount of magic, and the Archchancellor has banned me from running the thaumic reactor at anything like full power.’
    Rincewind looked again at the message from the bottle.
    â€˜How did the bottle get out?’ he said.
    Hex printed:
    +++ I did that. I still maintain a watch on Roundworld. And I have been developing interesting procedures. It is now quite easy for me to reproduce an artefact in the real world +++
    â€˜Why didn’t you tell us the Archchancellor needed help?’ sighed Ponder.
    +++ They were having such fun trying to send the bottle +++
    â€˜Can’t you just bring them out, then?’
    +++ Yes +++
    â€˜In that case—’
    â€˜Hold on,’ said Rincewind, remembering the blue beerbottle and the spelling mistakes. ‘Can you bring them out alive? ’
    Hex seemed affronted.
    +++ Certainly. With a probability of 94.37 per cent +++
    â€˜Not great odds,’ said Ponder, ‘But perhaps—’
    â€˜Hold on again,’ said Rincewind, still thinking about that bottle. ‘Humans aren’t bottles. How about alive, with fully functioning brains and all organs and limbs in the right place?’
    Unusually, Hex paused before replying.
    +++ There will be unavoidable minor changes +++
    â€˜How minor, exactly.’
    +++ I cannot guarantee reacquiring more than one of every organ+++
    There was a long, chilly silence from the wizards.
    +++ Is this a problem? +++
    â€˜Maybe there’s another way?’ said Rincewind.
    â€˜What makes you think that?’
    â€˜The note asks for the Librarian.’
    In the heat of the night, magic moved on silent feet.
    One horizon was red with the setting sun. This world went around a central star. The elves did not know this and, if they had done, it would not have bothered them. They never bothered with detail of that kind. The universe had given rise to life in many strange places, but the elves were not interested in that, either.
    This world had created lots of life. Up until now, none of it had ever had what the elves considered to be potential. But this time, there was definite promise.
    Of course, it had iron, too. The elves hated iron. But this time, the rewards were worth the risk. This time