The Science of Discworld IV

eyeing the chocolate biscuits on the tray brought in by the tea lady, listened with as much attention as could be expected from wizards momentarily afflicted with chocolate starvation. Ponder’s carefully written and argued speech pointed out that studious research throughout Library-space, or L-space as it is colloquially known, revealed that not to have a Great Big Thing would be a pitiful thing; and the lack of such a thing, indeed, in the academic universe, would make the university they were sitting in right now the butt of jokes and sardonic jibes by people who would be ashamed to be called their fellow academics – said jibes being all the more painful because academics know what
sardonic
actually means.
    And when Mister Stibbons finished his last well-tuned argument, Mustrum Ridcully, the Archchancellor, put his hand heavily on the last disputed chocolate biscuit and said, ‘Well now, Ponder, if I know you, and I most certainly
do
know you, then you never put in front of me a problem without having a proposed solution somewhere up your sleeve.’ Ridcully’s eyes narrowed a little as he continued, ‘Indeed, Mister Stibbons, it would be very unlike you not already to have a Great Big Candidate. Am I not right?’
    Ponder didn’t bother to blush, but simply said, ‘Well, sir, I do know that we in the HEM fn1 do think that there are many puzzles presented to us by the universe that we really need to solve. As they say, sir: what you don’t know can kill you! Ha-ha.’
    Ponder was pleased with coming up with that remark; he knew his Archchancellor – who had the instincts of a fighter, and a bare-knuckle fighter at that – and so he moved in with, ‘I’m thinking of the fact that we simply don’t know why there is a third slood derivative, which in theory means that at the birth of the universe, in that very first nanosecond, the universe actually began to travel backwards in time. According to Von Flamer’s experiment, that means that we appear to be coming and going at the same time! Ha-ha!’
    ‘Yes, well, I can quite believe that,’ said Ridcully glumly, looking at his fellows; and because he was the Archchancellor, after all, he added, ‘Wasn’t there something about a cat that was alive and dead at the same time?’
    Ponder was always ready for this sort of thing and he said, ‘Yes, sir, but it was only a hypothetical cat, sir, as it turned out – nothing to get pet-owners all upset about – and may I add that the elastic string theory turned out to be just one more unproven hypothesis, as did the bubble theory of interconnecting horizons.’
    ‘Really.’ Ridcully sighed. ‘What a shame. I rather liked that one. Oh well, I trust that in its short life it gave some theoretical scientists a living, and so happily its little life wasn’t wasted. You know, Mister Stibbons, over the years you have often discoursed with me about the various theories, hypotheses, concepts and conjectures in the world of natural science. You know what? I just wonder, I really do wonder, whether the universe – being of course by its very nature, dynamic, and possibly in some curious sense
sapient
– may now perhaps be trying to escape from your incessant prying, and is possibly driving you into even greater feats of intellect. The little tease!’
    There was a pause from the assembled wizards, and for a moment the face of Ponder Stibbons appeared to be made of polished bronze; then he said, ‘What an amazing deduction, Archchancellor. I applaud you! Everybody knows that Unseen University will rise to meet
any
challenge; with your permission, sir, I will set to work on a budget right now. The Roundworld project was only a beginning. Now, with the … Challenger Project, we will explore the fundamental basis of magic in our world!’
    He ran to the High Energy Magic building so fast that his progress metamorphosed into a hurtle, which in ballistic terms is exactly the opposite of a turtle and
extremely
more streamlined.
    And
that
was six years ago …
    Today, Lord Vetinari, tyrant of Ankh-Morpork, glanced up at the Great Big Thing which appeared to be doing nothing but humming to itself. It hovered in the air, appearing and disappearing, and in Vetinari’s opinion looking somewhat smug, a feat indeed for something that had no face.
    It was, in fact, a rather amorphous blob that seemed to twist magical equations with arcane symbols and squiggles that clearly meant
something
to those who knew about such