The Science of Discworld IV

things. The Patrician was not, on his own admission, a lover of technical things that spun and, indeed, hummed. Nor of unidentifiable squiggles. He saw them as things with which you couldn’t negotiate, or argue; you couldn’t hang them either, or even creatively torture them. Of course, the dictum
noblesse oblige
came to the rescue as always – although those who knew Havelock Vetinari well knew that he sometimes wasn’t all that obliging.
    On this occasion Lord Vetinari was being introduced to excitable and occasionally spotty young wizards in white robes – though still of course in pointy hats – who made a great fuss about large conglomerations of mindless and humming machinery behind the blob. Nevertheless, he did his best to look enthusiastic, and managedto drum up some conversation with Mustrum Ridcully, the Arch-chancellor, who it seemed was just as much in the dark as himself; and he congratulated Ridcully because it was clearly the thing to do, whatever the thing
did
.
    ‘I’m sure you must be very proud, Archchancellor. It’s extremely good, clearly a triumph, most certainly!’
    Ridcully chuckled and said, ‘Bravo! Thank you
so
much, Have-lock, and do you know what?
Some
people said that if we turned the experiment on it would bring the world to an end! Can you imagine that? Us! The psychic protectors of the city, and indeed of the world throughout history!’
    Lord Vetinari took an almost imperceptible step back and carefully enquired, ‘And precisely when was it that you
did
turn it on, may I ask? It seems to be humming along quite adequately at the moment.’
    ‘As a matter of fact, Havelock, the humming is going to end very shortly. The noise you are hearing is coming from a swarm of bees in the garden over there, and the Bursar hasn’t had enough time to instruct them to get back to work. In fact, we were hoping that you would do the honours after lunch, if it is all right by you, of course?’
    The expression on the face of Lord Havelock Vetinari was, for a moment, a picture: and it was a picture painted by a
very
modern artist, one who had been smoking something generally considered to turn the brain to cheese.
    But
noblesse oblige
was a crushing imperative even for a tyrant, especially one who valued his self-esteem, and therefore, two hours later, a well-fed Lord Vetinari stood in front of the huge humming thing, feeling rather concerned. He made a small oration on the need for mankind to further its knowledge of the universe.
    ‘While it is still there,’ he added, looking very pointedly at Ridcully.
    Then, after posing for the iconographer’s lenses, he looked at the big red button on its stand in front of him and thought, I wonder if there
is
any truth in the rumours that this could end the world? Well, it’s too late now to protest, and it would be quite remiss for me todraw back at this point. He brightened up and thought, If indeed it’s me who blows up the known world, then it might just be good for my image anyway.
    He pressed the button to the kind of applause people make when they understand that something important has happened while at the same time having no idea what they are really cheering. After checking, Vetinari turned to the Archchancellor and said, ‘It would seem, Mustrum, that I have not destroyed the universe, which is something of a comfort. Is anything else supposed to happen?’
    The Archchancellor slapped him on the back and said, ‘Don’t fret, Havelock: the Challenger Project was started up yesterday evening by Mister Stibbons over a cup of tea, just to make certain that it would start; and seeing that it was warmed up, he left it on. This of course in no way demeans
your
part in the ceremony, I promise you. The formality of the
significant
opening is at the heart of the whole business, which I am proud to say has all gone swimmingly!’
    And
that
was six minutes ago …
    fn1 High Energy Magic department.

TWO
----
GREAT BIG THINKING

    Great Big Things have a seductive allure, to which Roundworld’s scientists are by no means immune. Most science requires relatively modest equipment, some is inherently expensive, and some would finance a small nation. Governments worldwide are addicted to big science, and often find it easier to authorise a ten-billion dollar project than one costing ten thousand – much as a committee will agree to a new building in five minutes, but then spend an hour debating the cost of biscuits. We all know why: it takes