The Science of Discworld Revised Edition

down and smell the roses.’
    ‘Not for several hundred million years, sir,’ said Ponder.
    ‘Dull, isn’t it,’ said the Lecturer in Recent Runes, looking around. ‘Not a lot going on. Lots of life, but it’s just hanging around.’
    Ridcully rubbed his hands together.
    ‘Well, we’re going to liven it up,’ he said. ‘We’re going to move things forward fast while we’re
here
. A few prods in the right place, that’s what these creatures need.’
    ‘The time travelling is not much fun,’ said Rincewind. ‘You tend to end up under a volcano or at the bottom of the sea.’
    ‘We shall see,’ said Ridcully firmly. ‘I’ve had enough of this. Look at those damn sloppy things over there. ‘He cupped his hands and shouted, ‘Life in the sea not good enough for you, eh? Skiving off, eh? Got a note from your mother, have you?’ He lowered his hands. ‘All right, Mister Stibbons … tell H EX to take us forward, oh, fifty million years – hang on, what was that?’
    Thunder rolled around the horizon.
    ‘Probably just another snowball landing,’ said Rincewind morosely. ‘There’s generally one around just when things are settled. It was in the sea, I expect. Stand by for the tidal wave.’ He nodded at the browsing creatures, who had glanced up briefly.
    ‘The Dean thinks all this hammering from rocks is making the life on this world very resilient,’ said Ridcully.
    ‘Well, that’s certainly a point of view,’ said Rincewind. ‘But in a little while a wave the size of the University is going to wash this beach on to the top of those mountains over there. Then I expect the local volcanoes will all let go …
again
… so stand by for a country-sized sea of lava coming the other way. After that there’ll probably be outbreaks of rain that you could use to etch copper, followed by a bit of a cold spell for a few years and some fog you could cut up in lumps.’ He sniffed. ‘That which does not kill you can give you a really bad headache.’
    He glanced at the sky. Strange lightning was flickering between the clouds, and now there was a glow on the horizon.
    ‘Damn,’ he said, in the same tone of voice. ‘This is going to be one of the times when the atmosphere catches fire. I hate it when that happens.’
    Ridcully gave him a long blank look, and then said, ‘Mister Stibbons?’
    ‘Archchancellor?’
    ‘Make that seventy thousand years, will you? And, er … right now, if you would be so good.’
    The wizards vanished.
    All the insects stopped buzzing in the bushes.
    The hairy lizards carried on placidly eating the leaves. Then, something made them look up –
    The sun jerked across the sky, became very briefly a reddish-yellow band across a twilight hemisphere, and then the world was simply a grey mist. Below Rincewind’s feet it was quite dark, and above him it was almost white. Around him, the greyness flickered.
    ‘Is this what it always looks like?’ said the Dean.
    ‘Something has to stand still for a couple of thousand years before you see it at all,’ said Rincewind.
    ‘I thought it would be more exciting –’
    The light flickered, and sun exploded into the sky, the wizards saw waves around them for a moment, and then there was darkness.
    ‘I told you,’ said Rincewind. ‘We’re under water.’
    ‘The land sank under all the volcanoes?’ said Ridcully.
    ‘Probably just moved away,’ said Rincewind. ‘There’s a lot of that sort of thing down here.’
    They rose above the surface as H EX adjusted to the new conditions. A landmass was smeared on the horizon, under a bank of cloud.
    ‘See?’ said Rincewind. ‘It’s a pain. Time travel always means you end up walking.’
    ‘H EX , move us to the nearest land, please. Inland about ten miles,’ said Ponder.
    ‘You mean I could have just asked?’ said Rincewind. ‘All this time, I needn’t have been walking?’
    ‘Oh, yes.’
    The landscape blurred for a second.
    ‘You could have said,’ said Rincewind accusingly, as they were rushed past, and sometimes
through
, a forest of giant ferns.
    The view stabilized. The wizards had been brought to the edge of the forest. Low-growing shrubs stretched away towards more ferns.
    ‘Not much about,’ said Ridcully, leaning against a trunk. ‘Can I smoke my pipe here, Stibbons?’
    ‘Since technically you’ll be smoking in the High Energy Building, yes, sir.’
    Rincewind apparently struck a match on the tree trunk. ‘Amazing,’ he said.
    ‘That’s odd,