The Science of Discworld Revised Edition

skills of the academic reef.
    ‘It sounds rather a parody to me, but I dare say we will understand the joke in time. Ah, here comes our explorer. ‘Morning, Professor,’ said Ridcully. ‘Are you ready?’
    ‘No,’ said Rincewind.
    ‘It’s very simple,’ said Ponder, leading the reluctant traveller across the floor. ‘You can think of this assemblage of spells as a suit of very, very good armour. Things will flicker, and then you’ll be … somewhere else. Except you’ll really be
here
, you see? But everything you see will be somewhere else. Absolutely nothing will hurt you because H EX will buffer all extreme sensations and you’ll simply receive a gentle analogue of them. If it’s freezing you’ll feel rather chilly, if it’s boiling you’ll feel a little hot. If a mountain falls on you it’ll be a bit of a knock. Time where you’re going is moving very fast but H EX can slow it down while you are there. H EX says that he can probably exert small amounts of force within the Project, so you will be able to lift and push things, although it will feel as though you’re wearing very large gloves. But this should not be required because all we want you to do to start with … Professor … is tell us what you see.’
    Rincewind looked at the suit. It was, being largely make up of spells under H EX ’s control, shimmery and insubstantial. Light reflected off it in odd ways. The helmet was far too large and completely covered the face.
    ‘I have three … no, four … no,
five
questions,’ he said.
    ‘Yes?’
    ‘Can I resign?’
    ‘No.’
    ‘Do I have to understand anything you just told me?’
    ‘No.’
    ‘Are there any monsters where I’m being sent?’
    ‘No.’
    ‘Are you sure?’
    ‘Yes.’
    ‘Are you totally positive about that?’
    ‘Yes.’
    ‘I’ve just thought of another question,’ said Rincewind.
    ‘Fire away.’
    ‘Are you
really
sure?’
    ‘Yes!’ snapped Ponder. ‘And even if there were any monsters, it wouldn’t matter.’
    ‘It’d matter to me.’
    ‘No it wouldn’t! I have explained! If some huge toothed beast came galloping towards you, it’d have no effect on you at all.’
    ‘Another question?’
    ‘Yes?’
    ‘Is there a toilet in this suit?’
    ‘No.’
    ‘Because there will be if a huge toothed beast comes galloping towards me.’
    ‘In that case, you just say the word and you can come back and use the privy down the hall,’ said Ponder. ‘Now, stop worrying, please. These gentlemen will help you, er, insert yourself into the thing, and we’ll begin …’
    The Archchancellor wandered up as the reluctant professor was enveloped in the glittering, not-quite-there stuff.
    ‘A thought occurs, Ponder,’ he said.
    ‘Yes, sir?’
    ‘I suppose there’s no chance that there
is
life anywhere in the Project?’
    Ponder looked at him in frank astonishment.
    ‘Absolutely
not
, sir! It can’t happen. Simple matter is obeying a few rather odd rules. That’s probably enough to get things … spinning and exploding and so on, but there’s no possibility that they could cause anything so complex as –’
    ‘The Bursar, for example?’
    ‘Not even the Bursar, sir.’
    ‘He’s not very complicated, though. If only we could find a parrot that was good at sums, we could pension the old chap off.’
    ‘No, sir. There’s nothing like the Bursar. Not even an ant or a blade of grass. You might as well try to tune a piano by throwing rocks at it. Life does not turn up out of nowhere, sir. Life is a lot more than just rocks moving in circles. The one thing we’re not going to run into is monsters.’
    Two minutes later Rincewind blinked and found, when he opened his eyes, that they were somewhere else. There was a rather grainy redness in front of them, and he felt rather warm.
    ‘I don’t think it’s working,’ he said.
    ‘You should be seeing a landscape,’ said Ponder, in his ear.
    ‘It’s all just red.’
    There was the sound of distant whispering. Then the voice said, ‘Sorry. The aim wasn’t very good. Wait a moment and we’ll soon have you out of that volcanic vent.’
    In the HEM Ponder took the ear trumpet away from his ear. The other wizards heard it sizzling, as if a very angry insect was trapped therein.
    ‘Curious language,’ he said, in mild surprise, ‘well, let’s raise him somewhat and let time move on a little …’
    He put the trumpet to his ear and listened.
    ‘He says it’s pissing down,’ he