The stupidest angel: a heartwarming tale of Christmas terror

She understood things getting out of control.

    "Look, Molly, I need – "

    "And I yelled at Theo last night, Lena. Really bad. He hasn't taken off like that in a long time. I may have fucked Christmas up."

    "Don't be silly, Mol, you couldn't do that. Theo understands." Meaning, He knows you're crazy and loves you anyway.

    Just then, Tucker Case came back into the room, retrieved his pants from the floor, and started pulling them on.

    "I've got to go feed the bat," Tuck said. He pulled a banana partially out of his front pocket.

    Lena threw the sheets off her head and tried to think of something to say.

    Tuck grinned, pulling the banana all the way out. "Oh, you thought I was just glad to see you?"

    "Uh – I – shit."

    Tuck stepped over and kissed her eyebrow. "I am glad to see you," he said. "But I have to feed the bat, too. I'll be right back."

    He walked out of the room, barefoot and shirtless. Okay, he probably would be back.

    "Lena, who was that? Tell me?"

    Lena realized that she was still holding the phone. "Look, Molly, I'll have to call you back, okay? We'll figure something out for Friday night."

    "But, I have to make amends – "

    "I'll call you." Lena hung up and crawled out of bed. If she was quick she could wash her face and get some mascara on before Tucker got back. She started zooming around the room, naked, until she felt someone watching her. There was a big bay window that looked out on a forest, and since her bedroom was on the second floor, it was like waking up in a tree house, but no one could possibly look in. She spun around and there, hanging from the gutter, was a giant fruit bat. And he was looking at her – no, not just looking at her, he was checking her out. She pulled the sheet off the bed and covered herself.

    "Go eat your banana," she shouted at the bat. Roberto licked his chops.
    * * *
    There had been a time, during his bong-rat years, when Theophilus Crowe would have stated, with little reservation, that he did not like surprises, that he preferred routine over variety, predictability over uncertainty, the known over the unknown. Then, a few years ago, while working on Pine Cove's last murder case, Theo had gotten to know and fallen in love with Molly Michon, the ex-scream queen of the B-movie silver screen, and everything changed. He had broken one of the cardinal rules – Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself – and he'd been loving life ever since.
    They had their little agreement, if he stayed off his drug (pot) she'd stay on hers (antipsychotics), and consequently she'd have his unmuddled attention and he'd only get the most pleasant aspects of the Warrior Babe persona that Molly sometimes slipped into. He'd learned to delight in her company and the occasional weirdness that she brought into his life.

    But last night had been too much for him. He'd come through the door wanting, nay, needing to share his bizarre story about the blond man, with the only person who actually might believe him and not berate him for being a stoner, and she had chosen that precise moment to lapse into hostile batshit mode. So, he'd fallen off the wagon, and by the time he returned to their cabin that night, he had smoked enough pot to put a Rastafarian choir in a coma.

    That's not what the pot patch he'd been growing had been for. Not at all. Not like the old days, when he maintained a small victory garden for personal use. No, the little forest of seven-foot sticky bud platforms that graced the edge of their lot on the ranch was purely a commercial endeavor, albeit for the right reason. For love.

    Over the years, even as the prospect of ever returning to the movies became more remote, Molly had continued to work out with her giant broadsword. Stripped to her underwear, or dressed in a sports bra and sweatpants, every day in the clearing in front of the cabin she'd declare "en garde" to an imaginary partner and proceed to spin, leap, thrust, parry, hack, and slash herself breathless. Beyond the fact that the ritual kept her incredibly fit, it made her happy, which, in turn, pleased Theo to no end. He'd even encouraged her to get involved in Japanese kendo, and to little surprise, she was excellent at it, consistently winning matches against opponents nearly twice her size.

    And indirectly, all this had led to Theo's growing pot commercially for the first time in his life. He'd tried other means, but banks seemed more than a little reluctant to lend him nearly a