The Truth

the dwarf’s shoulder—“corporal, let him do his job. Give him a chance, eh? He’s a Black Ribboner, after all…” Behind the watchman, Otto took an ugly, newtlike creature out of its jar.
    “Do you want me to arrest the pair of you? You’re interfering with the scene of a crime!”
    “What crime, would you say?” said William, flipping open his notebook.
    “Out, the pair of—”
    “Boo,” said Otto softly.
    The land eel must have been quite tense already. In response to thousands of years of evolution in a high magical environment, it discharged a nighttime’s worth of darkness all at once. It filled the room for a moment, sheer solid black laced with traceries of blue and violet. Again, for a moment William thought he could feel it wash through him in a flood. Then light flowed back, like chilly water after a pebble has been dropped in the lake.
    The corporal glared at Otto.
    “That was dark light, wasn’t it?”
    “Ah, you too are from Ubervald—” Otto began happily.
    “Yes, and I did not expect to see that here! Get out! ”
    They hurried past the startled Corporal Nobbs, down the wide stairs, and out into the frosty air of the courtyard.
    “Is there something you ought to be telling me, Otto?” said William. “She seemed extremely angry when you took that second picture.”
    “Vell, it’s a little hard to explain—” said the vampire awkwardly.
    “It’s not harmful, is it?”
    “Oh, no, zere are no physical effects vhatsoever—”
    “Or mental effects?” said William, who had spun words too often to miss such a carefully misleading statement.
    “Perhaps zis is not zer time—”
    “That’s true. Tell me about it later. Before you try it again, okay?”
    William’s head buzzed as he ran along Filigree Street. Barely an hour ago he’d been agonizing over what stupid letters to put in the newspaper and the world had seemed more or less normal. Now it had been turned upside down. Lord Vetinari was supposed to have tried to kill someone, and that didn’t make sense, if only because the person he had tried to kill was apparently still alive. He had been trying to get away with a load of money, too, and that didn’t make sense either. Oh, it wasn’t hard to imagine a person trying to embezzle money and attacking someone, but if you mentally inserted someone like the Patrician into the picture, it all fell apart. And what about the peppermint? The room had reeked of it.
    There were a lot more questions. The look in the corporal’s eye as she’d chased him out of the office suggested firmly to William that he was unlikely to get any more answers from the Watch.
    And, looming up in his mind, was the gaunt shape of the press. Somehow he was going to have to make some kind of coherent story about all this, and he’d have to do it now…
    The happy figure of Mr. Wintler greeted him as he strode into the pressroom.
    “What do you think of this funny marrow, eh, Mr. de Worde?”
    “I suggest you stuff it, Mr. Wintler,” said William, pushing past.
    “Just as you say, sir, that’s just what my lady wife said, too.”
    “I’m sorry, but he insisted on waiting for you,” Sacharissa whispered as William sat down. “What’s going on?”
    “I’m not sure…” said William, staring hard at his notes.
    “Who’s been killed?”
    “Er…no one…I think…”
    “That’s a mercy, then.” Sacharissa looked down at the papers covering her desk.
    “I’m afraid we’ve had five other people in here with humorous vegetables,” she said.
    “Oh.”
    “Yes. They weren’t all that funny, to tell truth.”
    “Oh.”
    “No, they mainly looked like…um, you know.”
    “Oh…what?”
    “ You know,” she said, beginning to go red. “A man’s…um, you know.”
    “Oh.”
    “Not even very much like, um, you know, too. I mean, you had to want to see a…um, you know…there, if you understand me.”
    William hoped that no one was making notes about this conversation. “Oh,” he said.
    “But I took their names and addresses, just in case,” said Sacharissa. “I thought it might be worth it if we’re short of stuff.”
    “We’re never going to be that short,” said William quickly.
    “You don’t think so?”
    “I’m positive.”
    “You may be right,” she said, looking at the mess of paper on her desk. “It’s been very busy in here while you were out. People have been queuing up with all sorts of news. Things that are going to happen, lost dogs, things they