The Underside of Joy

and if knowing her did make them feel more secure in this world, and if she was serious about not disappearing again, that was far more important than any jealous, territorial feelings of mine. That’s what I kept telling myself, anyway, as it became difficult to take a deep enough breath, which had been happening more and more often. Especially around two in the morning. Breathe in.
    Paige. The kids. The bills. The store. Tomorrow. The next day.
    Breathe out.
    ‘Mommy?’ Annie said behind me. ‘Why are you blowing so much noise and letting out such big long breaths?’
    I turned to her. She was six, but she’d matured so much in the last few months. She’d had to. I didn’t want to ask her, but the words came out before I could clamp my mouth shut.
    ‘Banannie? Did you tell your mama about our trip to Great America?’
    She nodded, big nods so her ponytail flipped up and down.
    ‘What did you say?’
    ‘I told her about the rides and how fun it was except for the Ferris wheel and how we got stuck up there forever.’ She laughed, but it was a nervous laugh. ‘Remember that?’
    ‘I do.’
    She stuck her hands in her pockets.
    ‘What, Mommy?’
    ‘Did you mention, possibly, that we almost got in an accident?’
    The big head nod again. ‘That was scary! Remember how the tires screeched?’
    ‘I do.’
    ‘Why do you sound so funny?’
    ‘Annie? Did you mention that I yelled at you and Zach?’
    Annie started whimpering and nodding, barely now, her chin tucked into her chest.
    ‘Honey, it’s okay. You’re not in trouble. I just need to know.’
    ‘She was asking me and asking me! She kept asking me questions and you and Daddy told me always tell the truth, no matter what. So I did. You did say the G-D word Grandpa always says before Grandma gets mad at him. Remember?’
    I couldn’t help but smile. Even though fear pulsed through me. ‘I do, though I’m trying like crazy to forget. I’d kinda hoped you’d forgotten.’
    ‘Nope. I remember it perfectly. You know’ – she tapped her forehead – ‘elephant memory. You said, “You kids shut up! I can’t goddamn drive!” And you hit the steering wheel really hard. And then you held your hand and said, “Ow.” Did I do something wrong, Mommy?’
    ‘No, sweetie. You didn’t do anything wrong, I did.’ And Paige, I thought but didn’t say. Grilling Annie to get information. Shame on her. But then, I’d done the same thing by asking Annie about it. Shame on me.

Chapter Twelve
    Despite the scare from Paige, I pressed on. We called a family meeting. David had already filled Joe Sr and Marcella in on both my idea for the store and the financial situation. Joe Sr cut to the chase: ‘Ella, you listen to me. This family has been through hard times before. Shortly after my papa opened Capozzi’s, he had to go away, due to circumstances beyond his control. But this town, it pulled together and helped my mama, and the store, and our family survived. This store is my papa’s, our family’s legacy. And it will go to Annie and Zach someday.’ He grabbed both my shoulders and looked me straight in the eye. ‘Mother and I will do whatever we can to help save the store. We’ve got some money socked away for a rainy day. We’ll help you remodel it. It’s for our grandchildren. What grandparent can say no to that?’
    If only Joe had known that’s how his dad would react.
    One thing Joe and I had managed to get right was our wills. We’d written them up when we got married, and he willed the store to me, with the understanding that I would be taking care of Annie and Zach if anything should happen to him. Now I agreed to invest most of the insurance proceeds and to sell an interest in the store to Marcella, Joe Sr, and David. In return, they would kick in money, and we’d remodel and add a commercial kitchen. Things would be tight for a while, no one was going to be making big bucks, but we were all willing to think of it as an investment.
    Besides, everyone agreed that we all needed a big project, that we would do it to honour Joe. David patted Marcella’s arm and said, ‘I’d be honoured to be the chef, but only with Ma’s help.’ Marcella beamed – the happiest I’d seen her since before we’d lost Joe.
    I wanted Annie and Zach to be in on the plans, so a few days after we settled everything, I took them on a picnic.
    When Joe was alive, he was always the planner, the one who’d come home and say, ‘Let’s go,’ always an