The Underside of Joy

the door, pulled out the box , and I looked at every single photograph. I studied them. There was a series. In the first photos, she wore a long-sleeve blouse, a skirt. She looked young, maybe twenty. Many of the shots were of her face; for others she sat on a stool, stood, hand on hip. Different outfits. Nothing suggestive, really. But then she looked straight at the camera, her fingers working buttons. These shots didn’t look posed as much as documenting someone undressing. There she was taking off her blouse. Stepping out of her skirt. Reaching back to unhook her bra. Slipping out of her underwear. And then standing – again, not suggestively. Face front. Perfect breasts front. Solemn face. No half-turned look over her shoulder. Nothing coy. She looked both unsure and defiant, woman and child, sexy and sad. What man wouldn’t fall in love with her?
    Again, Joe was in these photographs. Even though I couldn’t see him, I could see his perspective. I would guess he hadn’t slept with her yet. The legal discovery request meant something else, but this was a true moment of discovery, if there ever was one. Joe discovering Paige. Me, feeling as if I’d walked in on them.
    Now . . . and maybe three years ago, when they’d hit a rough spot. I walked home, head throbbing, eyes burning, to the house Joe and Paige had set up for themselves and the kids that would soon follow. I fell into the bed where they’d made love, made Annie and Zach. I thought about calling someone, but I’d used everyone up. They needed a break from me. Hell, I needed a break from me. And besides, I didn’t want anyone to know about this. All I needed was sleep. If I could just rest, I could think straight. I got up and took another Xanax.
    Like I’ve said, I’ve never considered myself to be beautiful. Attractive, but never one to turn heads or inspire artists. Still, the way Joe had looked at me . . . I’d felt beautiful. But Joe never once asked me to pose nude. Of course, it wasn’t like we had a lot of time between giving kids baths and changing diapers to set up a boudoir studio in our bedroom.
    I climbed back into bed. Callie brought me her leash, but I just let her outside. She looked at me, disappointed, but she dropped her leash at my feet, trotted out to do her duty quickly, and came back inside, following me back into the bedroom. Utter exhaustion. I curled up under the covers. I pulled them over my head. ‘I’m done,’ I said aloud. Callie groaned and rested her chin on my legs, over the blankets.
    It started raining. The kids were due home that night, but I could not get out of bed. I tried. I finally got up to pee and let Callie out again. The good thing about Xanax, I thought to myself as I tapped out two more, is that it’s not addictive. I slept. I woke to pounding rain, but only long enough to wonder how one single wave could take away all that was good and leave all this wreckage tossed up on the shore. And then I slept again.
    Callie’s yelp woke me. Car lights ran the length of my bedroom wall like a searchlight probing the deepest dark. Tires slapped through puddles. I heard car doors open, Paige’s voice. I’d left the door unlocked, the lights out. I had to get up. Get. Up.
    I pulled on my jeans. So dizzy. I stumbled out to the hall just as they burst in. Paige flipped on the light, and its brightness made me wince. The kids held big balloons freckled with raindrops. They wore bright trendy clothes. They’d had haircuts. They both had bangs! Like Paige. Like battle lines drawn across their perfect foreheads, I thought, staking her claim on their minds. And then I thought, Oh man, does Xanax make you dramatic?
    Zach slept against Paige’s shoulder, his mouth slightly open. Annie held on to her new lime green purse and matching balloon and looked at me.
    ‘Are you sick, Mommy?’ she asked.
    ‘Um . . . Yes. The flu.’
    Paige said, ‘Oh! I wish you’d called. I could have kept them longer.’
    ‘It’s fine. I’m starting to feel better.’
    ‘I hope they don’t get it.’
    I bent down and hugged Annie.
    ‘The flu is really contagious,’ Paige added.
    Oh, bite me, Miss January. I took Zach from her, his head heavy and bobbing between us. ‘Good-bye,’ I said.
    She leaned over my shoulder and kissed Zach, and her hair swept against my face, leaving a trace of citrus jasmine in the air. He woke and wriggled out of my arms to pet Callie. Paige gave Annie a hug. ‘Call me tomorrow, sweet