The Wit And Wisdom Of Discworld

the Turtle Moves. Empires grow and crumble, and the Turtle Moves. Gods come and go, and still the Turtle Moves. The Turtle Moves.
    *
    Words are the litmus paper of the mind. If you find yourself in the power of someone who will use the word ‘commence’ in cold blood, go somewhere else very quickly. But if they say ‘Enter,’ don’t stop to pack.

 
    T HE Fairies are back - but this time they don’t just want youir teeth…
    Granny Weatherwax and her tiny coven are tip against real elves. It’s Midsummer Night.
    No time for dreaming…
    With full supporting cast of dwarfs, wizards, trolls, Morris dancers and one orang-utan. And lots of hey-nonny-nonny and blood all over the place.
    Nanny Ogg never did any housework herself, but she was the cause of housework in other people.
    *
    Lancre was so small that you couldn’t lie down without a passport.
    *
    W ILLIAM S CROPE .
    ‘Yes?’
    I F YOU WOULD PLEASE STEP THIS WAY .
    ‘Are you a hunter?’
    I LIKE TO THINK I AM A PICKER-UP OF UNCONSIDERED TRIFLES .
    Death grinned hopefully. Scrope’s post-physical brow furrowed.
    ‘What? Like … sherry, custard … that sort of thing?’
    *
    ‘Someone got killed up here.’
    ‘Oh, no,’ moaned Nanny Ogg.
    ‘A tall man. He had one leg longer’n the other. And a beard. He was probably a hunter.’
    ‘How’d you know all that?’
    ‘I just trod on ’im.’
    *
    ‘Hope Magrat does all right as queen,’ said Nanny.
    ‘We taught her everything she knows,’ said Granny Weatherwax.
    ‘Yeah,’ said Nanny Ogg. ‘D’you think … maybe … ?’
    ‘What?’
    ‘D’you think maybe we ought to have taught her everything we know?’
    *
    The thing about the Librarian was that no one noticed he was an orangutan any more, unless a visitor to the University happened to point it out. In which case someone would say, ‘Oh, yes. Some kind of magical accident, wasn’t it? Pretty sure it was something like that. One minute human, next minute an ape. Funny thing, really … can’t remember what he looked like before. I mean, he must have been human, I suppose. Always thought of him as an ape, really. It’s more him.’
    *
    Magrat normally wore a simple dress with not much underneath it except Magrat.
    *
    Nanny subtly breaks the news of a death:
    ‘Well, now,’ said Nanny, ‘you know the widow Scrope, lives over in Slice?’
    Quarney’s mouth opened.
    ‘She’s not a widow,’ he said. ‘She—’
    ‘Bet you half a dollar?’ said Nanny.
    *
    Esme’s skill at Borrowing unnerved Nanny Ogg. It was all very well entering the minds of animals and such, but too many witches had never come back. For several years Nanny had put out lumps of fat and bacon rind for a bluetit that she was sure was old Granny Postalute,who’d gone out Borrowing one day and never came back.
    *
    Granny Weatherwax had a feeling she was going to die. This was beginning to get on her nerves.
    *
    ‘I do apologize for this,’ said the very small highwayman. ‘I find myself a little short.’
    *
    The dwarf bowed and produced a slip of pasteboard from one grubby but lace-clad sleeve.
    ‘My card,’ he said.
    It read:

    ‘Are you really an outrageous liar?’
    ‘No.’
    ‘Why are you trying to rob coaches, then?’
    ‘I am afraid I was waylaid by bandits.’
    ‘But it says here,’ said Ridcully ‘that you are a finest swordsman.’
    ‘I was outnumbered.’
    ‘How many of them were there?’
    ‘Three million.’
    *
    ‘You know,’ said Ponder, ‘this reminds me of that famous logical puzzle … There was this man, right, who had to choose between going through two doors, apparently, and the guard on one door always told the truth and the guard on the other door always told a lie, and the thing was, behind one door was certain death, and behind the other door was freedom, and he didn’t know which guard was which, and he could only ask them one question and so: what did he ask?’
    ‘Hang on,’ said Casanunda, ‘I think I’ve worked it out. One question, right?’
    ‘Yes,’ said Ponder, relieved.
    ‘And he can ask either guard?’
    ‘Yes.’
    ‘Oh, right. Well, in that case he goes up to the smallest guard and says, “Tell me which is the door to freedom if you don’t want to see the colour of your kidneys and incidentally I’m walking through it behind you, so if you’re trying for the Mr Clever Award just remember who’s going through it first” ‘
    ‘No, no, no!’
    ‘Sounds logical to me,’ said Ridcully. ‘Very