The Wit And Wisdom Of Discworld

the slipper past her protesting toes.
    ‘There,’ said Lily, still without looking down. ‘And do stop trying that hedge-witch hypnotism on me, Esme.’
    ‘It fits,’ said the Prince, but in a doubtful tone of voice.
    ‘Yes, anything would fit,’ said a cheerful voice from somewhere towards the back of the crowd, ‘if you were allowed to put two pairs of hairy socks on first.’
    Lily looked down. Then she looked at Magrat’s mask. She reached out and pulled it off.
    ‘Wrong girl,’ said Lily. ‘But it still doesn’t matter, Esme, because it is the right slipper. So all we have to do is find the girl whose foot it fits—’
    There was a commotion at the back of the crowd. Courtiers parted, revealing Nanny Ogg.
    ‘If it’s a five-and-a-half narrow fit, I’m your man,’ she said. ‘Just let me get these boots off…’
    ‘I wasn’t referring to you, old woman,’ said Lily coldly.
    ‘Oh, yes you was,’ said Nanny. ‘We know how this bit goes, see. The Prince goes all round the city with the slipper, trying to find the girl whose foot fits. That’s what you wasplannin’. So I can save you a bit of trouble, how about it?’
    There was a flicker of uncertainty in Lily’s expression.
    ‘A girl,’ she said, ‘of marriageable age.’
    ‘No problem there,’ said Nanny cheerfully …
    Nanny grabbed the slipper out of the Prince’s hands and, before anyone else could move, slid it on to her foot.
    Then she waggled the foot in the air.
    It was a perfect fit.
    ‘There!’ she said. ‘See? You could have wasted the whole day’
    ‘Especially because there must be hundreds of five-and-a-half—’
    ‘– narrow fit –’
    ‘—narrow fit wearers in a city this size,’ Granny went on. ‘Unless, of course, you happened to sort of go to the right house right at the start. If you had, you know, a lucky guess?’
    ‘But that’d be cheatin’,’ said Nanny.
    She nudged the Prince.
    ‘I’d just like to add,’ she said, ‘that I don’t mind doin’ all the waving and opening things and other royal stuff, but I draw the line at sleepin’ in the same bed as sunny jim here.’
    ‘Because he doesn’t sleep in a bed,’ said Granny.
    ‘No, he sleeps in a pond,’ said Nanny.
    ‘Because he’s a frog,’ said Granny.

    ‘This is Greebo. Between you and me, he’s a fiend from hell.’
    ‘Well, he’s a cat,’ said Mrs Gogol. ‘It’s only to be expected.’

    No one knew better than Granny Weatherwax that hats were important. They weren’t just clothing. Hats defined the head. They defined who you were. No one had ever heard of a wizard without a pointy hat - at least, no wizard worth speaking of. And you certainly never heard of a witch without one … It wasn’t the wearing of the hats that counted so much as having one to wear. Every trade, every craft had its hat. That’s why kings had hats. Take the crown off a king and all you had was someone good at having a weak chin and waving to people. Hats had power. Hats were important.
    *
    ‘You always used to say I was wanton, when we was younger,’ said Nanny.
    ‘You was, of course,’ said Granny. ‘But you never used magic for it, did you?’
    ‘Din’t have to,’ said Nanny happily.‘An off-the-shoulder dress did the trick most of the time.’
    ‘Right off the shoulder and on to the grass, as I recall,’ said Granny.
    *
    Every established kitchen has one ancient knife, its handle worn thin, its blade curved like a banana, and so inexplicably sharp that reaching into the drawer at night is like bobbing for apples in a piranha tank.
    *
    ‘Look at the three of you,’ Lily said. ‘The maiden, the mother and the crone.’
    ‘Who are you calling a maiden?’ said Nanny Ogg.
    ‘Who are you calling a mother?’ said Magrat.
    Granny Weatherwax glowered briefly like the person who has discovered that there is only one straw left and everyone else has drawn a long one.
    *
    ‘Don’t you talk to me about progress. Progress just means bad things happen faster.’
    *
    ‘How come you’re in the palace guard, Casanunda? All the rest of ‘em are six foot tall and you’re – of the shorter persuasion.’
    ‘I lied about my height, Mrs Ogg.’
    *
    ‘I don’t want to hurt you, Mistress Weatherwax,’ said Mrs Gogol.
    ‘That’s good,’ said Granny. ‘I don’t want you to hurt me either.’
    † Always in front of you in any queue, for a start.

 
    I N the beginning was the Word. And the Word was: ‘Hey, you!’
    For Brutha