The Wit And Wisdom Of Discworld

And this, o’ course …’ The corporal pulled out a leather thong that hung around his neck. There was a gold ring on it.
    ‘He left it to me when he was on his deathbed,’ said Nobby. ‘Well, when I say “left it” …’
    ‘Did he say anything?’
    ‘Well, yeah, he did say “Give it back, you little bugger!”, sir.’
    *
    Cheery is new to the Watch and has gone out on an official visit with Angua.
    ‘You can knock.’
    ‘Me? They won’t take any notice of me!’ said Cheery.
    You show them your badge and tell them you’re the Watch.’
    ‘They’ll ignore me! They’ll laugh at me!’
    ‘You’re going to have to do it sooner or later. Go on.’
    The door was opened by a stout man … A dwarf voice in the region of his navel said, ‘We’re the Watch, right? Oh, yes! And if you don’t let us in we’ll have your guts for starters!’
    ‘Good try’ murmured Angua.
    *
    ‘I’ve got a lot to learn, I can see,’ said Cheery. ‘I never thought you had to
    carry bits of blanket, for a start!’
    ‘It’s special equipment if you’re dealing with the undead.’
    ‘Well, I knew about garlic and vampires. Anything holy works on vampires. What else works on werewolves?’
    ‘A gin and tonic’s always welcome,’ said Angua distantly.
    *
    The tincture of night began to suffuse the soup of the afternoon.
    Lord Vetinari considered the sentence, and found it good. He liked ‘tincture’ particularly. Tincture. Tincture. It was a distinguished word, and pleasantly countered by the flatness of ‘soup’. The soup of the afternoon. Yes. In which may well be found the croutons of teatime.
    *
    ‘I have to admit,’ said Mrs Palm, ‘that under Vetinari it has certainly been safer to walk the streets—’
    ‘You should know, madam,’ said Mr Sock. Mrs Palm gave him an icy look. There were a few sniggers.
    ‘I meant that a modest payment to the Thieves’ Guild is all that is required for perfect safety’ she finished.
    ‘And, indeed, a man may visit a house of ill—’
    ‘Negotiable hospitality’ said Mrs Palm quickly.
    ‘Indeed, and be quite confident of not waking up stripped stark naked and beaten black and blue,’ said Sock.
    ‘Unless his tastes run that way’ said Mrs Palm. ‘We aim to give satisfaction. Very accurately, if required.’
    ‘Life has certainly been more reliable under Vetinari,’ said Mr Potts of the Bakers’ Guild.
    ‘He does have all street-theatre players and mime artists thrown into the scorpion pit,’ said Mr Boggis of the Thieves’ Guild.
    ‘True. But let’s not forget that he has his bad points too.’

    ‘What’s this?’
    ‘A Klatchian Hots without anchovies,’ said Vimes, lifting the cover. ‘We got it from Ron’s Pizza Hovel round the corner.’
    ‘Has someone already eaten this, Vimes?’
    ‘No, sir. That’s just how they chop up the food.’
    ‘Oh, I see. I thought perhaps the food-tasters were getting over-enthusiastic,’ said the Patrician. ‘My word. What a treat I have to look forward to.’

    ‘I think he’s got a sort of soft spot for the Patrician, in his way. He once said that if anyone was going to kill Vetinari he’d like it to be him.’
    *
    ‘I’ve been running around looking for damn Clues instead of just thinking for five minutes!’ said Vimes.‘What is it I’m always telling you?’
    ‘Never trust anybody, sir?’
    ‘No, not that.’
    ‘Everyone’s guilty of something, sir?’
    ‘Not that, either.’
    ‘Just because someone’s a member of an ethnic minority doesn’t mean they’re not a nasty small-minded little jerk, sir?’
    ‘N— When did I say that?’
    ‘Last week, sir. After we’d had that visit from the Campaign for Equal Heights, sir.’
    *
    Angua thinks Carrot is about to propose.
    ‘Hello, Angua!’ said Carrot cheerfully. ‘I was just coming to see you.’
    He took off his helmet, and smoothed back his hair. ‘Er …’ he began.
    ‘I know what you’re going to ask,’ said Angua.
    ‘You do?’
    ‘I know you’ve been thinking about it. You knew I was wondering about going.’
    ‘It was obvious, was it?’
    ‘And the answer’s no. I wish it could be yes.’
    Carrot looked astonished. ‘It never occurred to me that you’d say no,’ he said. ‘I mean, why should you?’
    ‘Good grief, you amaze me,’ she said. ‘You really do.’
    ‘I thought it’d be something you’d want to do,’ said Carrot. He sighed. ‘Oh, well… it doesn’t matter, really’
    Angua felt that a leg