The Wit And Wisdom Of Discworld

OGSWATCH SPIRIT AT ALL .

 
    D ISGWORLD goes to war, with armies of sardines, warriors, fishermen, squid and at least one very camp follower.
    As two armies march, Commander Vimes of Ankfe-Morpork City Watch faces Unpleasant foes who are out to get Mm … and that’s just the people on his side. The enemy might be even worse.
    Jingo makes the World Cup look like a friendly five-a-side.
    As every student of exploration knows, the prize goes not to the explorer who first sets foot upon the virgin soil but to the one who gets that foot home first. If it is still attached to his leg, this is a bonus.
    *
    Detritus’s intelligence wasn’t too bad for a troll, falling somewhere between a cuttlefish and a line-dancer.
    *
    Lord Vetinari looked attentive, because he’d always found that listening keenly to people tended to put them off.

    ‘Oh, history,’ said Lord Selachii. That’s all in the past!’

    ‘Gentlemen, please,’ said the Patrician. ‘Let’s have no fighting, please. This is, after all, a council of war’
    *
    ‘A Klatchian bigwig is coming here?’ said Vimes. ‘No one told me!’
    ‘Strange as it may seem, Sir Samuel, I am occasionally capable of governing this city for minutes at a time without seeking your advice and guidance.’
    *
    ‘My mum’s uncle was a sailor,’ said Nobby. ‘But after the big plague he got press-ganged. Bunch of farmers got him drunk, he woke up next morning tied to a plough.’
    *
    Sergeant Colon had had a broad education. He’d been to the School of My Dad Always Said, the College of It Stands to Reason, and was now a postgraduate student at the University of What Some Bloke In the Pub Told Me.
    *
    Technically they were all in uniform, too, except that mostly they weren’t wearing the same uniform as anyone else. Everyone had just been sent down to the armoury to collect whatever fitted, and the result was a walking historical exhibit: Funny-Shaped Helmets Through the Ages.
    *
    ‘Dad?’
    ‘Yes, lad?’
    ‘Who was Mr Hong?’
    ‘How should I know?’
    ‘Only, when we was all heading back for the boats one of the other men said, “We all know what happened to Mr Hong when he opened the Three Jolly Luck Take-AwayFish Bar on the site of the old fish-god temple in Dagon Street on the night of the full moon, don’t we … ?” Well, I don’t know.’
    ‘Ah …’ Solid Jackson hesitated. Still, Les was a big lad now …
    ‘He … closed up and left in a bit of a hurry, lad. So quick he had to leave some things behind.’
    ‘Like what?’
    ‘If you must know … half an ear-hole and one kidney’
    *
    A few moments later Sergeant Colon walked carefully down to the main office. He toyed with some paper for a while and then said:
    ‘You don’t mind what people call you, do you, Nobby?’
    ‘I’d be minding the whole time if I minded that, sarge,’ said Corporal Nobbs cheerfully.
    ‘Right. Right! And I don’t mind what people call me, neither’ Colon scratched his head. ‘Don’t make sense, really. I reckon Sir Sam is missing too much sleep.’
    ‘He’s a very busy man, Fred.’
    ‘Trying to do everything, that’s his trouble. And … Nobby?’
    ‘Yes?’
    ‘It’s Sergeant Colon, thanks.’
    *
    There was sherry. There was always sherry at these occasions. Sam Vimes had heard they made sherry by letting wine go rotten. He couldn’t see the point of sherry.
    *
    Vimes stood up. ‘You know what I always say’ he said.
    Carrot removed his helmet and polished it with his sleeve. Yes, sir.
    “Everyone’s guilty of something, especially the ones that aren’t,” sir’
    ‘No, not that one …’
    ‘Er … “Always take into consideration the fact that you might be dead wrong,” sir?’
    ‘No, nor that one either’
    ‘Er … “How come Nobby ever got a job as a watchman?”, sir? You say that a lot.’
    ‘No! I meant “Always act stupid,” Carrot.’
    ‘Ah, right, sir. From now on I shall remember that you always said that, sir’
    *
    ‘Colon and Nobbs are investigating this?’ said the Patrician. ‘Really?’
    ‘Yes, sir’
    ‘If I were to ask you why, you’d pretend not to understand?’
    Vimes let his forehead wrinkle in honest perplexity. ‘Sir?’
    ‘If you say “Sir?” again in that stupid voice, Vimes, I swear there will be trouble.’
    ‘They’re good men, sir’
    ‘However, some people might consider them to be unimaginative, stolid and … how can I put this? … possessed of an inbuilt disposition to accept the