The Wit And Wisdom Of Discworld

wins everyone’s money by being a nasty little cut-throat swot!’
    ‘And don’t forget the presents,’ said the Chair of Indefinite Studies, as if reading off some internal list of gloom. ‘How … how full of potential they seem in all that paper, how pregnant with possibilities … and then you open them and basicallythe wrapping paper was more interesting and you have to say “How thoughtful, that will come in handy!” It’s not better to give than to receive, in my opinion, it’s just less embarrassing.’
    ‘I’ve worked out,’ said the Senior Wrangler, ‘that over the years I have been a net exporter of Hogswatch presents—’
    ‘Oh, everyone is,’ said the Chair. ‘You spend a fortune on other people and what you get when all the paper is cleared away is one slipper that’s the wrong colour and a book about ear wax.’
    *
    ‘You didn’t get that stuff out of the sack! Not cigars and peaches in brandy and grub with fancy foreign names!’
    Y ES, IT CAME OUT OF THE SACK.
    Albert gave him a suspicious look.
    ‘But you put it in the sack in the first place, didn’t you?’
    No.
    You did, didn’t you?’ Albert stated.
    No.
    You put all those things in the sack.’
    No.
    You got them from somewhere and put them in the sack.’
    No.
    You did put them in the sack, didn’t you?’
    No.
    You put them in the sack.’
    Y ES.
    *
    ‘They’re title deeds,’ said Medium Dave. ‘And they’re better than money’
    ‘Paper’s better’n money?’ said Catseye.
    ‘If we steal them, do they become ours?’ said Chickenwire.
    ‘Is that a trick question?’ said Catseye, smirking.

    ‘I know people say I’d kill them as soon as look at them,’ whispered Teatime. ‘And in fact I’d much rather kill you than look at you, Mr Lilywhite.’

    ‘And what’ll you do when he comes after you?’
    ‘He can’t look everywhere.’
    Medium Dave shook his head. You only had to look into Teatime’s mismatched eyes to know one thing,which was this: that if Teatime wanted to find you he would not look everywhere. He’d look in only one place, which would be the place where you were hiding.

    ‘They’ve piled the teeth up in a magic circle downstairs,’ said Susan.
    Violet’s eyes and mouth formed three Os. It was like looking at a pink bowling ball.
    ‘What for?’
    ‘I think they’re using them to control the children. By magic’
    Violet’s mouth opened wider.
    ‘That’s horrid.’
    Horrible, thought Susan. The word is ‘horrible’. ‘Horrid’ is a childish word selected to impress nearby males with one’s fragility, if I’m any judge.

    It is said that the prospect of hanging concentrates the mind wonderfully, but it was Valium compared to being watched by Mister Teatime.
    *
    ‘I could certainly run a marvellous university here if only we didn’t have to have these damn students underfoot all the time.’
    *
    ‘All right,’ said Susan. ‘I’m not stupid. You’re saying humans need … fantasies to make life bearable.’
    R EALLY ? A S IF IT WAS SOME KIND OF PINK PILL ? N O . H UMANS NEED FANTASY TO BE HUMAN . T O BE THE PLACE WHERE THE FALLING ANGEL MEETS THE RISING APE .
    ‘Tooth fairies? Hogfathers? Little—’
    Y ES . A S PRACTICE . Y OU HAVE TO START OUT LEARNING TO BELIEVE THE LITTLE LIES .
    ‘So we can believe the big ones?’
    Y ES . J USTICE . M ERCY . D UTY . T HAT SORT OF THING .
    ‘They’re not the same at all!’
    Y OU THINK SO ? T HEN TAKE THE UNIVERSE AND GRIND IT DOWN TO THE FINEST POWDER AND SIEVE IT THROUGH THE FINEST SIEVE AND THEN SHOW ME ONE ATOM OF JUSTICE, ONE MOLECULE OF MERCY . A ND YET — Death waved a hand. A ND YET YOU ACT AS IF THERE IS SOME IDEAL ORDER IN THE WORLD, AS IF THERE IS SOME … SOME RIGHTNESS IN THE UNIVERSE BY WHICH IT MAY BE JUDGED .
    Yes, but people have got to believe that, or what’s the point —’
    M Y POINT EXACTLY .
    *
    Death fumbled inside his robe.
    I HAVE MADE THIS FOR YOU .
    Susan reached out and took a square of damp cardboard. Water dripped off the bottom. Somewhere in the middle, a few brown feathers seemed to have been glued on.
    ‘Thank you. Er … what is it?’
    A LBERT SAID THERE OUGHT TO BE SNOW ON IT, BUT IT APPEARS TO HAVE MELTED , said Death. I T IS, OF COURSE, A H OGSWATCH CARD .
    ‘Oh …’
    T HERE SHOULD HAVE BEEN A ROBIN ON IT AS WELL, BUT I HAD CONSIDERABLE DIFFICULTY IN GETTING IT TO STAY ON .
    ‘Ah …’
    I T WAS NOT AT ALL CO-OPERATIVE .
    ‘Really … ?’
    I T DID NOT SEEM TO GET INTO THE H