The Wit And Wisdom Of Discworld

There were famous stories about the rat pipers, who made their living going from town to town getting rid of plagues of rats.
    And that, really, was it. You didn’t need many rats for a plague, not if they knew their business. One rat, popping up here and there, squeaking loudly, taking a bath in the fresh cream and widdling in the flour,could be a plague all by himself.
    After a few days of this, it was amazing how glad people were to see the stupid-looking kid with his magical rat pipe. And they were amazed when rats poured out of every hole to follow him out of the town. They were so amazed that they didn’t bother much about the fact that there were only a few hundred rats.
    They’d have been really amazed if they’d ever found out that the rats and the piper met up with a cat somewhere in the bushes out of town, and solemnly counted out the money.
    *
    There were three loud knocks from below. They were repeated. And then they were repeated again. Finally, Malicia’s voice said: ‘Are you two up there or not?’
    Keith crawled out of the hay and looked down. ‘Yes,’ he said.
    ‘Didn’t you hear the secret knock?’ said Malicia, staring up at him in annoyance.
    ‘It didn’t sound like a secret knock,’ said Maurice.
    ‘It is a secret knock!’ Malicia snapped. ‘I know about these things! And you’re supposed to give the secret knock in return!’
    ‘But if it’s just someone knocking on the door in, you know, general high spirits, and we knock back, what are they going to think is up here?’ said Maurice. ‘An extremely heavy beetle?’
    Malicia went uncharacteristicallysilent for a moment. Then she said: ‘Good point, good point. I know, I’ll shout “It’s me, Malicia!” and then give the secret knock, and that way you’ll know it’s me and you can give the secret knock back. Okay?’
    ‘Why don’t we just say “Hello, we’re up here”?’ said Keith innocently.
    Malicia sighed. ‘Don’t you have any sense of drama?’

    Cat singing consists of standing two inches in front of other cats and screaming at them until they give in.

    ‘Never rush, never run. We don’t want to be like the first mouse, eh?’
    ‘No, Darktan,’ the rats chorused dutifully. ‘We don’t want to be like the first mouse!’
    ‘Right! What mouse do we want to be like?’
    ‘The second mouse, Darktan!’ said the rats, who’d had this lesson dinned into them many times.
    ‘Right! And why do we want to be like the second mouse?’
    ‘Because the second mouse gets the cheese, Darktan!’
    ‘Good!’ said Darktan.
    A young rat was holding up its paw.
    ‘Yes?’
    ‘Er … can I ask a question, sir?’
    ‘All right,’ he said.
    ‘Er … you said the second mouse gets the cheese, sir? But … doesn’t the first mouse get something, sir?’
    Darktan stared at the young rat. ‘I can see you’re going to be a valuable addition to the squad.’ He raised his voice. ‘Squad! What does the first mouse get?’
    The roar of voices made dust fall down from the ceiling. ‘The Trap!’
    *
    ‘You were stolen away at birth, I expect [said Malicia]. You probably are the rightful king of some country, but they found someone who looked like you and did a swap. You were probably found on a doorstep.’
    ‘I was, yes,’ said Keith.
    ‘See? I’m always right!’
    ‘What were you doing on a doorstep?’ said Maurice.
    ‘I don’t know. Gurgling, I expect,’ said Keith.
    ‘There was a magic sword or a crown in the basket with you, probably. And you’ve got a mysterious tattoo or a strange-shaped birthmark, too,’ said Malicia.
    ‘I don’t think so. No one ever mentioned them,’ said Keith. ‘There was just me and a blanket. And a note.’
    ‘A note? But that’s important!’
    ‘It said “19 pints and a Strawberry Yoghurt”,’ said Keith.
    *
    ‘Well, you probably won’t be surprised to know that I’ve got two dreadful step-sisters,’ said Malicia. ‘And I have to do all the chores!’
    ‘Gosh, really,’ said Maurice.
    ‘Well, most of the chores,’ said Malicia, as if revealing an unfortunate fact. ‘Some of them, definitely. I have to clean up my own room, you know! And it’s extremely untidy!’
    ‘Gosh, really.’
    ‘And it’s very nearly the smallest bedroom. There’re practically no cupboards and I’m running out of bookshelf space!’
    ‘Gosh, really.’
    ‘And people are incredibly cruel to me. You will note that we’re here in a kitchen. And I’m the mayor’s