The Wit And Wisdom Of Discworld

daughter. Should the daughter of a mayor be expected to wash up at least once a week? I think not! ’
    ‘Gosh, really.’
    ‘And will you just look at these torn and bedraggled clothes I have to wear?’
    Maurice looked. As far as he could tell, Malicia’s dress was pretty much like any other dress.
    ‘Here, just here,’ said Malicia, pointing to a place on the hem which, to Maurice, looked no different from the rest of the dress. ‘I had to sew that back myself, you know?’
    *
    Keith grabbed the back edge of the dresser with both hands, and braced one foot against the wall, and heaved.
    Slowly, like a mighty forest tree, the dresser pitched forward. The crockery started to fall out as it tipped, plate slipping off plate in one glorious chaotic deal from a very expensive pack of cards. Even so, some of them survived the fall on to the floor, and so did some of the cups and saucers as the cupboard opened and added to the fun, but that didn’t made any difference because then the huge, heavy woodwork thundered down on top of them.
    One miraculously whole plate rolled past Keith, spinning round and round and getting lower on the floor with the groiyuoiyoi- yooooinnnnggg sound you always get in these distressing circumstances.
    *
    ‘Do you know what an aglet is?’
    Aglet? Aglet? What’s an aglet got to do with anything?’ snapped Malicia.
    ‘It’s those little metal bits on the end of shoelaces,’ said Maurice.
    ‘How come a cat knows a word like that?’ said the girl.
    ‘Everyone’s got to know something,’ said Maurice.
    *
    ‘They’ll tell my father I’ve been telling stories and I’ll get locked out of my room again.’
    ‘You get locked out of your room as a punishment?’ said Maurice.
    ‘Yes. It means I can’t get at my books. I’m rather a special person, as you may have guessed,’ said Malicia, proudly.

    O F COURSE THERE ARE NO CAT GODS. T HAT WOULD BE TOO MUCH LIKE … WORK.

    ‘When I woke up there was a rat dancing on my dressing-table,’ said Corporal Knopf. ‘Tapitty, tapitty, tap.’
    ‘That’s odd,’ said Sergeant Doppelpunkt, giving his corporal a strange look.
    ‘And it was humming “There’s no Business like Show Business”. I call that more than just “odd”!’
    ‘No, I meant it’s odd you’ve got a dressing-table. I mean, you’re not even married.’
    *
    “scuse me, ‘scuse me,’ said a voice from beside him. He looked down at a dirty, half-scorched cat, which grinned at him.
    ‘Did that cat just speak?’ said the mayor.
    Maurice looked around. ‘Which one?’ he said.
    ‘You! Did you just talk?’
    ‘Would you feel better if I said no?’ said Maurice.
    *
    ‘Look, there’s two types of people in the world.’ said Malicia. ‘There are those who have got the plot, and those that haven’t.’
    ‘The world hasn’t got a plot,’ said Maurice. ‘Things just … happen, one after another.’
    ‘Only if you think of it like that,’ said Malicia, far too smugly in Maurice’s opinion. ‘There’s always a plot. You just have to know where to look.’ She paused for a moment and then said, ‘Look! That’s the word! There’ll be a secret passage, of course! Everyone look for the entrance to the secret passage!’
    ‘Er … how will we know it’s the entrance to a secret passage?’ said Keith, looking even more bewildered than normal. ‘What does a secret passage look like?’
    ‘It won’t look like one, of course!’
    ‘Oh, well, in that case I can see dozens of secret passages,’ said Maurice. ‘Doors, windows, that calendar from the Acme Poison Company, that cupboard over there, that rat hole, that desk, that—’
    You’re just being sarcastic,’ said Malicia, lifting up the calendar and sternly inspecting the wall behind it.
    ‘Actually, I was just being flippant,’ said Maurice. ‘But I can do sarcastic if you like.’
    Keith stared at the long bench which was in front of a windowfrosted with ancient cobwebs.
    ‘You might try to be some help,’ said Malicia, tapping the walls.
    ‘I don’t know how to look for something that doesn’t look like the thing I’m looking for,’ said Keith.
    Malicia stood back and brushed her hair out of her eyes. ‘This isn’t working,’ she said.
    ‘I suppose there might not be a secret passage?’ said Maurice. ‘I know it’s a rather daring idea, but perhaps this is just an ordinary shed?’
    Even Maurice leaned back a little from the force of Malicia’s stare.
    ‘There has to