The Wit And Wisdom Of Discworld

sir. Nor will I.’
    *
    ‘We need to talk to you,’ said Carrot. ‘Do you want a lawyer?’
    ‘No, I ate already’
    ‘You eat lawyers?’ said Carrot.
    Brick gave him an empty stare until sufficient brain cells had been mustered.
    ‘What d’y’call dem fings, dey kinda crumble when you eat dem?’ he ventured.
    Carrot looked at Detritus and Angua, to see if there was going to be any help there.
    ‘Could be lawyers,’ he conceded.
    ‘Dey go soggy if you dips ‘em in somefing,’ said Brick.
    ‘More likely to be biscuits, then?’ Carrot suggested.
    *
    There was an old military saying that Fred Colon used to describe total bewilderment and confusion. An individual in that state, according to Fred, ‘couldn’t tell if it was arsehole or breakfast time’.
    *
    The plain fact was that while Tawneee had a body that every other woman should hate her for, she was actually very likeable. This was because she had the self-esteem of a caterpillar and, as you found out in any kind of conversation with her, about the same amount of brain. Perhaps it all balanced out, perhaps some kindly god had said to her: ‘Sorry, kid, you are going to be thicker than a yard of lard, but the good news is, that’s not going to matter’
    *
    ‘It’s the jerk syndrome. It means … sometimes a woman is so beautiful that any man with half a brain isn’t going to think of asking her out, okay? Because it’s obvious that she’s far too grand for the likes of him. Are you with me?’
    ‘I think so.’
    ‘Well, that’s Tawneee. And, for the purposes of this explanation, Nobby has not got half a brain. He’s so used to women saying no when he asks them out that he’s not afraid of being blown out. So he asks her, because he figures, why not? And she, who by now thinks there’s something wrong with her, is so grateful she says okay’
    *
    ‘Needs eating up.’ That was a phrase of Sybil’s that got to Vimes. She’d announce at lunch: ‘We must have the pork tonight, it needs eating up.’ Vimes never had an actual problem with this, because he’d been raised to eat what was put in front of him, and do it quickly, too, before someone else snatched it away. He wasjust puzzled at the suggestion that he was there to do the food a favour.
    *
    When did Lord Vetinari sleep? Presumably the man must get his head down at some point, Vimes reasoned. Everyone slept. Catnaps could get you by for a while, but sooner or later you need a solid eight hours, right?
    It was almost midnight, and there was Vetinari at his desk, fresh as a daisy and chilly as morning dew.
    *
    Mustrum Ridcully was capable of enormous powers of concentration when absolutely no alternative presented itself.
    *
    ‘This is all rather fun,’ said Sybil, as the coaches headed out of the city. ‘Do you remember when we last went on holiday, Sam?’
    ‘That wasn’t really a holiday, dear,’ said Vimes.
    ‘Well, it was very interesting, all the same,’ said Sybil.
    ‘Yes, dear. Werewolves tried to eat me.’
    *
    Historical Re-creation. With people dressing up and running around with blunt weapons, and people selling hot dogs, and the girls all miserable because they can only dress up as wenches, wenching being the only job available to women in the olden days.

    † This was a bit of a slur on Nobby, Vimes had to admit. Nobby was human, just like many other officers. It was just that he was the only one who had to carry a certificate to prove it.
    † The better class of gods, anyway. Not the ones with the tentacles, obviously

 
    T IFFANY Aching put one foot wrong, made one little mistake …
    And now the spirit of winter is in lo love with her her. He give her roses and iceber icebergs, says it with avalanches and showers her with snowflakes – which is tough when you’re thirteen, but also just a little bit … cool.
    And just because the Wintersmith wants to marry you is no excuse for neglecting the chores. So she must look after Miss Treason, who’s 113 and has far too many eyes, learn the secret of Boffo, catch Horace the cheese, stop Annagramm Hawkin from becoming an embarrassment to all witches, avoid Nanny Ogg giving her a lecture on sex, stop the gods from seeing her in the bath—
    ‘Crivens!’
    —oh, yes, and be helped by the Nac Mac Feegles, whether she wants it or not.
    It’s unfair, but as Granny Weatherwax says, no one ever said it was going to be fair. And if Tiffany doesn’t work it all out, there will never be another springtime