Therapy

if making up for lost time, and ordered another bottle. He talked about football for the rest of the meal, which I can’t say is my favourite conversational topic, but fortunately we’d nearly finished. He put me in a cab outside the restaurant, gave the driver a tenner for the fare, and kissed me on the cheek like an uncle. Ah, here comes the tea-trolley. Can you drink from a cup? Oh good. I was going to say that if you couldn’t, I’d drink it for you. Shall I take your biscuits, then? Pity to waste them. Mmm, custard creams, my favourite. What a shame you can’t have any.
    So where was I? Oh yes, well a few days later I got a message to go and see Ollie Silvers at Heartland’s London office. I spent a whole morning agonizing over what to wear, and what to leave off, but in the event it turned out to be quite unnecessary because he offered me the job straightaway. Hal Lipkin was with him. They sat at each end of a long sofa, and took turns to shoot remarks at me. “You may have noticed that Mr Passmore’s been acting rather strangely lately,” Ollie said. “His marriage is on the rocks,” Hal said. “He’s taken it very hard,” said Ollie. “We’re concerned about him,” said Hal. “We’re also concerned about the show,” said Ollie. “We’d like to do another series,” said Hal. “But a snag has cropped up,” said Ollie. I can’t tell you what the snag is, darling, because they swore me to secrecy. I know you don’t mix with media journalists, but nevertheless. I shouldn’t even have told you there is a problem. It’s all terribly hush-hush. Basically they want Tubby to rewrite the last scripts of the present series to open the way for a new development of the story in the next series. Putting a new sit in the sitcom, you might say. “But Tubby doesn’t seem to be able to concentrate his mind on the problem,” said Hal. “So we think he needs a script editor,” said Ollie. “A kind of minder-cum-dramaturge,” said Hal. “Somebody to keep his nose to the grindstone and his arse to the typing chair,” said Ollie. “We put it to Tubby,” said Hal. “And he asked for you,” said Ollie. They hadn’t given me a chance to say a word all this time — I was just looking from one to the other like a spectator at Wimbledon. But now they paused as if inviting a response. I said I was flattered. “You should be,” Ollie said. “We would have preferred somebody with more experience,” said Hal. “But those reports you wrote for me were very sharp,” said Ollie. “And you must know the show inside-out by now, watching rehearsals all this time,” said Hal. I said, “Yes. I expect that’s why Mr Passmore suggested me for the job.” Ollie gave me a carnivorous leer and said, “Yes, I expect it is.” He didn’t know, of course, that Tubby had taken me out to dinner and propositioned me just a few days before.
    Naturally I assumed that this new development was a rather more subtle second attempt at seduction on Tubby’s part. So I wasn’t surprised when almost the first thing he did when I started work was invite me to go away with him for a weekend. I called him from my new office, or rather from my new desk in the office I share with two other girls. We’re all script editors — for some reason script editors nearly always are women. Like midwives. I said, “Hallo, this is Samantha, I suppose you know I’m your new script editor,” and he said, “Yes, I’m very pleased you took the job.” I didn’t let on that I knew he’d asked for me. I said, “When shall we meet?” and he said, “Come to Copenhagen with me next weekend.” I said, “What for?” and he said, “I’ve got to do some research.” I said, “What has Copenhagen got to do with The People Next Door ?” and he said, “Nothing. I’m writing a film about Kierkegaard, didn’t Ollie tell you?” I said that no, Ollie hadn’t made that entirely clear, but I was of course happy to help him in any way I could. He said he would book flights and hotel rooms and get back to me about the details. I noticed the plural “rooms” with approval. I mean, I understood what I was letting myself in for, but a girl has her pride. You needn’t look at me like that, Hetty.
    As soon as he was off the phone, I called Ollie and told him Tubby seemed to think I had been assigned to help him develop a film about Kierkegaard, not The People Next Door. You do know who Kierkegaard is, don’t you darling, or rather