Trusted Bond

forward to touch me, a hand on my cheek.
    ―Nothing to be sorry for.‖
    I stared at him, into his eyes.
    ―You scared the crap outta me,‖ he growled, his hand moving to my
    hair, massaging my scalp. ―Again.‖
    ―I scared me too,‖ I told him, wanting to sit up but unable to lift my
    head off the pillow to save my life. ―Shit—what time is it? Was I gone a
    long time?‖
    Trusted Bond

    231

    ―Who cares? You feel all right?‖
    I swallowed hard. ―I‘m so sorry; I just had to get outta here. I
    couldn‘t breathe. I thought I was going to suffocate or—‖
    ―You had a panic attack.‖
    ―That doesn‘t sound like me. Does that sound like me?‖
    He shook his head. ―For fuck‘s sake, Jin, you just get back and you
    don‘t rest and recover, you just push yourself like you always do, and then
    what you did today—‖
    ―It‘s fine.‖
    ―It‘s not fine!‖ he barked at me. ―You‘re not fine! What you went
    though—you should be a basket case!‖
    ―Don‘t have an aneurysm,‖ I snapped at him.
    ―Jin!‖
    I groaned.
    ―You need peace and quiet, that‘s what you need. There were too
    many people here.‖
    ―That‘s what I thought,‖ I sighed, ―but I don‘t think so now. I
    think… I dunno what I think.‖
    ―Okay, listen to me, all right? You need to give yourself more time. I
    mean, I know you don‘t wanna think about what that fuck did to you, but
    you gotta.‖
    ―But what‘d he do really? He… he beat me up a little and kept me in
    a dark place. Abused kids get worse than that every day.‖
    ―Jin, are you kidding?‖ he asked me gently, his hand on my chest,
    over my heart. ―He beat you, he cut you with a knife, and he made you
    think he was going to kill you and threatened you with rape. It was bad,
    okay? It was really, really bad. It‘s a testament to how healthy you are that
    nobody can tell that you‘re really going through something. But it‘s a lot. I
    promise you it‘s a lot.‖
    I was silent.
    ―I see you trying to act like you always have, like nothing‘s different
    and you‘re fine,‖ he sighed. ―But you were made into a victim, and you
    gotta deal with that.‖
    I just concentrated on breathing.
    232

    Mary Calmes

    ―If you were a girl and all that happened to you, everyone would be
    worried, but you‘re a guy, so you‘re supposed to just suck it up and get
    over it,‖ he said gently. ―You gotta realize it‘s not that simple.‖
    ―I‘m having trouble sleeping.‖
    ―I bet.‖
    ―I keep thinkin‘ that I‘m dreaming all this and I‘m gonna wake back
    up in the wine cellar. I really… really don‘t wanna go back. I—‖
    ―Jin, you‘re not going back there ever.‖
    I let out a deep breath. ―I‘m so thirsty.‖
    ―I‘ll get you some more water, hold on.‖
    ―Where‘s Logan?‖
    ―I‘m sure he‘s on his way back by now. He was with Yuri and
    Mikhail looking for you.‖
    ―Sorry I ruined the party or whatever it was.‖
    ―Who gives a shit? Nobody cares, Jin. The only thing everybody
    wants is to see you and be with you. We‘d all sit on the floor in here just
    to be close to you if you needed anything.‖
    I smiled at him. ―I need more water.‖
    ―Comin‘ up,‖ he said before he left the room. I wasn‘t awake when
    he got back.

    MY BODY felt like it weighed a thousand pounds. I couldn‘t lift my head;
    I could only open my eyes. I saw Crane sitting in the wingback chair,
    reading, white socks on the edge of my bed.
    ―Hey,‖ I said.
    ―Hey.‖ He smiled at me, moving his feet, leaning forward. His hand
    went in my hair, and he was gentle like he never was, petting me. ―How ya
    doin‘?‖
    ―Where‘s Logan?‖ I asked against the pillow. At some point I had
    rolled over on my stomach.
    ―They‘re not back yet, but it‘s only been like a half an hour.‖
    ―Oh, okay. Are you mad at me?‖
    ―No, honey, why would I be mad?‖
    He hadn‘t called me ―honey‖ in years. ―Is Logan mad?‖
    Trusted Bond

    233

    ―Logan‘s not here, but I doubt he‘s mad. You scared the shit out of
    everybody, that‘s all.‖
    ―That‘s all? That‘s bad.‖
    ―It‘s fine. You‘re forgiven. Close your eyes.‖
    ―I‘m thirsty.‖
    ―I knew you would be.‖
    I smiled at him as he got the large glass of ice water off the
    nightstand and angled the straw toward my mouth. It tasted so good.
    ―Close your eyes,‖ he instructed, leaning back when I had enough.
    ―Wait, when are you leaving?‖ I asked,