U Is for Undertow

tailing the two of them now, engaging in all this endless speculation about why they were together and where they intended to go. Guess I’d find out. Ahead of me, Jon took the off-ramp at Little Pony Road and turned left. At the top of the rise, he was caught by a red light. I was three cars behind. If he’d spotted me, he gave no indication. His driving was circumspect as he turned left through the intersection and drove toward the beach.
    Were they looking for a private spot? That was the only thing I could figure, given their route. Why did they need privacy at all when they could have chatted by phone? Surely they didn’t imagine the lines were tapped. How paranoid would that be? I saw the Jaguar slow and turn left again into an unmarked side road I knew from times past. They were heading for Passion Peak, the pocket park that had been closed for two years, after a wildfire swept through it.
    Here’s what occurred to me: What if Jon was doing a quick mop-up campaign, eliminating anyone who posed a threat to him? He was set for an imminent departure, destination unknown. Now that Sutton was out of the way, was Walker next?
    I pulled over to the shoulder of the road and got out, leaving my car running while I moved cautiously to the turnoff. A mass of bougain - villea obscured the entrance to the park. I lifted on my toes and peered. There was no sign of the Jaguar. The chain that had been strung across the road was now down, trailing from the post on the left. I returned to my car and waited. The road up to the parking area was barely two lanes wide, with sufficient turns to slow any vehicle winding up the hill. I couldn’t afford to round a bend and find myself smack up against Jon’s bumper. If the two intended to spend time up there, I had to give them the ten minutes it would take to park at the midpoint and climb the rest of the way to the top. If Jon intended to pop Walker in the head, I was the only one even remotely aware of it. I took advantage of the wait to open the trunk of my car and remove the Heckler & Koch from my locked briefcase.

    Walker climbed the hill a few steps behind Jon. He’d wakened early, finding himself at peace for the first time in weeks. He felt good. He had energy and optimism. He’d suddenly turned a corner. He had no idea why or when the shift had occurred. When he’d opened his eyes that morning at the Pelican Motel, a sight that should have been depressing was actually all right. He’d have preferred to be home with his wife and kids, but for now, he could do this. It dawned on him that being clean and sober felt better than the best moment of being drunk. He didn’t want to live as he had, from happy hour to happy hour, drink to drink, from one hangover to the next. It was as if a heavy set of chains had fallen away. His demons had loosened their hold and he was light as air. The battle wasn’t over. Come 5:00, he’d probably still have the urge to drink. But he knew now all he had to do was what he’d been doing for the past ten days. Just not drink. Just not succumb. Just think of something else until the urge went away. Being clean and sober for ten days hadn’t killed him. The alcohol had been killing him. The absence of alcohol was to be celebrated—and not with a drink or a cigarette or a pill or anything else that might come between him and his own soul. If he could attribute the sense of well-being to anything, it was his decision to turn himself in. In his conversation with Jon, he’d implied that he was still on the fence, but it wasn’t true, He wondered if this was the euphoria experienced by someone bent on suicide. Turning himself in would be the end of life as he knew it, and that was okay with him. He’d brave it, all of it—the shame, the humiliation, the public castigation. That was the deal he’d made twenty-one years earlier. There was no escaping his fate, and he accepted that now. Drinking created the illusion he’d gotten away with something, but he couldn’t obliterate the burden in his soul. Owning up would do it, taking responsibility.
    At the crest of the hill he paused to absorb the view. Southern California was at its best in April. Wildflowers had sprung up in the meadow and the long grass rustled in the wind. It was quiet up here, even against the faint noise of traffic that rose from the town below. Jon moved over to a table, where he stood, arms crossed, his hip resting against the edge. In early March, a storm had