Under the Dusty Sky (Holloway Farms)

and they’re conflicted. I smile at him, and he smiles back. A small smile, like if our smiles were combined they still wouldn’t make a full one. There’s comfort in his smile, though, and I drop Kelsey’s hand and move toward him.
    “ Hey, D,” I say and lean next to him on the wall.
    “ Hey,” he answers, his eyes moving across my face, still unsure of me.
    “ Listen, sorry about the other night at the Bowl. I was a total asshole.” I smirk at him because I know he’ll think it’s funny. He laughs.
    “ You were kinda.”
    I nudge his shoulder with mine.
    “ I was. But I want to make it up to you.” I look sideways at him and bite my lip. I was sure when I walked in, but now that I said it, there’s a twinge of doubt somewhere deep in my pounding heart. I push the feeling down. I can’t screw around with it anymore. If this is what I want, I need to man up, as my brothers would say.
    Dermott’s concerned expression turns to confusion, his shoulders angle toward me, and I reach for his hand. He looks down at our fingers then back at me. I reach up with my other hand and cup his neck, leaning in and pressing my mouth to his ear.
    “ I want to make it up to you,” I whisper and bite his earlobe like he used to do to me. “Like, all the way make it up to you.”
    He makes a weird cross between coughing and choking sound and pulls back. His eyes go wide, and his mouth hangs open. I pull my hand from his neck and run my thumb along his bottom lip, like Ben had done to me. My heart jumps up, and my gut sinks down simultaneously, which is a very jarring feeling.
    No, no thinking about Ben. This has nothing to do with Ben. Or the Ben Feeling. Waiting for love is bullshit. I’ve never heard of a good first time. Lacy, Kels, Mel… not one of them start with “it was beautiful and perfect”. Lacy was drunk and has never drank since. She doesn’t remember and cries every time she talks about it. Kels says Brandon lasted barely long enough to get started. Mel lost it to my brother Archer, in a car, which makes me cover my ears every time it is brought up. By the way, she laughs hysterically while she reenacts her leg getting caught, her inability to get her clothes off in such a tight space, and there’s something about bashed teeth and a bloody lip.
    At least with D, I trust him. I’ve been with him. I know him. D can’t hurt me because I don’t love him.
    Not that I love Ben.
    “ Are you serious?” D’s voice brings me back to the party, to him. To the all of a sudden too loud music, too fast heart beat, too unstable limbs. Am I serious?
    I look at him, his eyes unzipping me, undressing me already. He knows how to look at a girl to make her feel wanted, desired.
    Is that what I want? I glance around to see who’s watching. No one’s paying any attention to us. A nervous bravery comes over me, or desperation. I can’t tell because my whole body is vibrating with so many things. I hook my fingers in the pocket of his jeans and pull him behind me as I make my way to the stairs.
    The sound is deafening. The sound of my beating heart, the sound of my fear. The sound of the door as it closes behind us, leaving us alone together. Apart, separate. Isolated.
    I take Dermott’s face in my hands, running my thumbs along his jaw before pulling him in for a kiss. He kisses me back like he’s done a thousand times before. It’s different now. Completely different.
    I want to run. To turn and run. But I want to stay. I want to savor it. I want to get it over with. I don’t know what to expect when I deepen the kiss and grab the hem of Dermott’s shirt, pulling it over his head.
    He reaches for me now, and for the first time, when D touches me, his hands shake.

CHAPTER 24
    Graceland
    I sit in Archer’s truck with my knees pulled as tightly to my chest as I can. The window is open, and the hot air does nothing to cool me down. It does nothing to blow away this feeling I can’t identify. The heaviness of my thoughts makes it hard to keep my head up, so I rest my forehead on my knees.
    “ You okay, Gracie?” Archer asks for the tenth time. I nod my head, still resting on my knees. I readjust my arms and try to pull my legs in tighter, to cross them, to make my self smaller than I feel. I squeeze my eyes tight, but they feel so dry I can’t blink. Everything plays in my head over and over.
    It was okay. It didn’t hurt. It was safe. He was safe. We were safe. It was okay.
    But it doesn’t feel