Under the Dusty Sky (Holloway Farms)

would you do that, Gracie?”
    “ Because it was hers. I wanted something of hers. I wanted to know why. That’s all I ever wanted to know. Why she didn’t love me. Why she didn’t want me.” I can’t stop the wobble in my voice this time.
    Dad reaches for me, and as soon as he pulls me into him for a hug, I start to cry. Taking deep breaths, I will the tears away and sit down next to him.
    “ Oh, why would you ever think that? Your mother didn’t leave because of you, Graceland. She left because of her.”
    “ But the poem.” I point to the book in his hands.
    Dad’s face is tight. I can tell he doesn’t want to talk about it.
    “ Your mother suffered very severely after you were born. She had post-partum depression after the twins, but with you it was overwhelming. For all of us. She would hold you and cry for hours, then she would refuse to touch you for days. She would have fits of hysteria, and I’d have to take all of you out of here and leave you at Judy and John’s for weeks sometimes. Even after the medication. Your mother never wanted this life, Graceland.”
    “ I’m sorry, Daddy. I didn’t know.” This is probably why he never talks about it.
    He pats my hand.
    “ It’s okay. I should have told you. I forget how much you’ve grown. I forget that you’re not my little girl anymore.”
    “ So why did she marry you? Have four kids with you?”
    He sighs.
    “ She didn’t know what else to do with her life. Kristy and I were high school sweethearts. Started dating at fifteen. We didn’t know any better. We didn’t know that there was life outside of this town. I always knew I wanted to work on the farm when my dad retired. Kristy was always uneasy. She was always dreamin’, and we even broke up over it, and she took off to the south. But she came back. I took her back. That’s when we got pregnant with Hunter. So we thought we’d do the right thing. Get married, start working on the farm, and raising our baby. It was after Hunt that things started to change, but when we found out we were having you, your mother didn’t take it well. Four kids in such a short time. It was hard, Gracie, but it wasn’t you. It was her. It was everything combined, and she couldn’t take it. She went inside herself, and she never came out. We decided it was best for our family for her to leave.”
    Tears are rolling down my cheeks, and Dad pulls me onto his lap like he did when I was a kid. He cradles me and hugs me tightly, my face buried in his chest.
    “ I thought she didn’t love me. I thought it was my fault.”
    “ No. Don’t you ever think that. It was never your fault. Not ever, Graceland.”
    I hug him tighter. I feel bad now. I feel bad for bringing it up and making him relive it. And here I’m all twisted over Ben and the fact that he’ll leave at the end of the summer. I feel worse for freaking out on him about Ms. Trimble. I take in a deep breath, and Ben’s words come rushing through me.
    Be real, Graceland. What do you want? Stop being who everyone says you are and be you. What do you want?
    “ I’m so sorry, Dad,” I start. “For yelling at you. I shouldn’t have. I’m just scared.”
    Dad pulls back and looks at me. “Why would you be scared?”
    “ What we have works. I don’t want anyone to ruin us. We all pitch in. We work together. What happens if we bring someone else into what we have?”
    “ That’s why I didn’t want to tell you. I didn’t want to unless I was sure that she’d fit with us. All of us. I’m a package deal, and any woman who would take on a man with four teenagers is a very strong woman in my opinion.”
    I smile and chew on my thumb. “I suppose so.”
    “ I’m sorry I kept it from you, Bug. I honestly thought I was doing the right thing.”
    “ I know, Daddy. Maybe you could invite her out for a barbecue or something?” Ms. Trimble has been the librarian at my school since I was in fourth grade. I don’t need to get to know her, but this protective feeling that is forming inside me wants me to get to know if she’s right for my dad.
    He smiles and nods, handing back the book.
    “ It’s yours. Don’t you want it?” I ask. He shakes his head.
    “ I’ve moved on from all this, Bug. I suggest you do the same. Live life today. Stop looking at yesterday.”
    I chuckle and grab the book.
    “ You sound like Bentley,” I mumble, and Dad’s gaze shifts back to me.
    “ What was that?” he asks.
    “ Nothing,” I shrug, and stand