Unicorns? Get Real!

pants. But the pants had no back to them, and instead were tied onto the front of her legs. She called them “chaps,” a term few of the princesses had ever heard before coming to the camp.
    “All right now, settle down, Princesses. Parisiana!” she bellowed out.
    She fired a fierce look at the Princess Parisiana, a pretty girl from the Majestic Realm of Chantillip. “Put a button on it—as in ‘louffe’—mouth! Yeah, yeah, I know how to speak Chantillip.” Despite Frankie’s harsh words, all the princesses secretly admired her.
    “Now take a look at these posters,” said Frankie. “I want you to understand this.” She paused dramatically and pointed to the detailed illustration of a unicorn. “This is a unicorn.” She then pointed to the one next to it. “This is not a unicorn. It is an antelope. An antelope is not—I repeat, not —a unicorn. Not even a kissing cousin. An antelope has two horns, as you can see from this poster. Not one—duh! Why people confuse them, I’ll never know. What other differences do you see?”
    Princess Myrella raised her hand.
    “Yo!” Royal titles were usually dropped with Frankie. She often addressed them with a “yo” or “y’all,” short for Your Highness, Your Majesty—whatever.
    “Well, the antelope’s horns are curved. The unicorn has a single horn, and it is very straight.”
    “Right. Now please look at the third poster. Would anyone care to read these facts out loud.” A very pretty princess with a mass of frizzy black curly hair that stuck out like an immense halo from her head raised her gleaming dark hand. “All right! Princess Ruby, take it away!”
    Princess Ruby began reading the poster aloud.
    FACTS ABOUT UNICORNS
     
     
     
Unicorns generally travel in herds, but are solitary when they arrive at their destination.
Unicorns will not drink from still water.
Unicorns are symbols of purity—so don’t think dirty thoughts or speak swears when around them.
One touch of a unicorn’s horn can stop the flow of blood from deep cuts.
Only young girls can ride unicorns well. But men, boys, and old ladies often try to with little success.
    When the princess had finished, Frankie flipped the poster over. Another princess was asked to read aloud. This time it was Kristen.
    FICTIONS ABOUT UNICORNS
     
     
     
A touch of a unicorn’s horn does not cure acne.
Unicorns are not cupids. They do not cause people to fall in love.
Unicorns do not pee, poop, or drool gold.
    “And now, princesses”—Frankie placed another poster on the stand—“we have to discuss the unknown.” She gave a special and almost mysterious emphasis to the word “unknown.” “There are many things said about unicorns that are unprovable. We know not whether they are fact or fiction. I call them ‘factions.’ Princess Gundersnap, will you kindly read these.”
    Gundersnap sighed somewhat mournfully and made her way slowly to the poster. Suppressing a yawn, she began to read aloud.
    QUESTIONS OF FACTION
     
     
     
Can unicorns cover vast distances in very short time, which the ancients called “flash time”?
Can unicorns sprout wings and fly?
Can unicorns turn blood to rubies?
Can ordinary horses or ponies be turned into unicorns?
    Gundersnap appeared totally bored and somewhat distracted as she read the faction poster. When she returned to her seat, Frankie stood up.
    “Although you might not have known it, given the manner in which Princess Gundersnap read, these factions are considered fascinating, and many scholars have devoted years of research to just these questions and several more factions. Now, Princess Kinna, can you give us a slightly more lively reading of the other side of this poster.”
    Frankie flipped the poster, and Princess Kinna from the Queendom of Mattunga came to the front and began reading. Kinna was cocaptain of the Purple team, and if there was ever an enthusiastic, gung-ho princess, it was Kinna. She paused, looked at the poster, and then began reciting it in a rhythmic beat as she slapped her hip and bopped about, making it into almost a song or at least a cheer like the Royal Cheersters would cheer at Color Wars games.
    HOW TO TRACK AND CAPTURE A UNICORN
     
     
     
Unicorns have a lovely roselike scent. So keep sniffing.
Look for the gleam—the gleam of the unicorn’s pure ivory horn.
When approaching a unicorn, do not look it in the eye. Hum softly and try to think pleasant, sanitary, squeaky clean thoughts.
Unicorns are very neat.