Unicorns? Get Real!

royal entertainment.
     
    It wasn’t until after dinner, when the four princesses were cozy in their own parlor in the South Turret, that Gundersnap remembered to ask for the letter. Gortle looked up nervously from the card game he was playing with Lady Merry.
    “Oh yes, nearly forgot.” He reached into his vest and drew out an envelope with the royal seal of the Empress Maria Theresa of Slobodkonia. Gundersnap began to open it.
    “Uh…Your Highness.”
    Gundersnap now saw for the first time the worry on his face.
    “Maybe you should read this in privacy.”
    A silence fell over the turret parlor. The envelope began to tremble in Gundersnap’s hand. “What is it?” she said in barely a whisper. Gortle shook his head, but no words would come out.
    Gundersnap rushed into her bedchamber to read the letter. What could it be? she wondered. A battle lost? A baby sister or brother had died? Her hands were shaking so hard now that she could barely make out her mother’s bold handwriting. There was a scream. Then…
    “She didn’t! NO! NO! NO!” In the parlor the princesses looked at one another in horror. The words were clear, but the sound Gundersnap made was like an animal caught in a trap.
    “What is it?” Kristen asked.
    “Her mother, the empress,”—Gortle nearly spat out the words, so great was his contempt—“she has taken Gundersnap’s favorite pony into battle. She has made him a war pony.”
    “Menschmick!” Alicia cried. They had all heard about dear little Menschmick practically from the hour Gundersnap first arrived at Camp Princess.
    Gortle nodded and sighed wearily. “They are quick-moving little fellows in close combat. But ponies never last long in battle. Their hearts give out. They aren’t made for war.”
    Princess Gundersnap was now sobbing hysterically. The three princesses and Gortle ran into her bedchamber to comfort her.
    Princess Gundersnap had collapsed facedown on her bed. The letter was on the floor beside her. “He was my birthday present! How could she have done that? My little Menschmik in battle! The thought is too horrible.” She beat her fists into the pillow. And when she finally lifted her head, the princesses were shocked. Gundersnap’s plump face looked ravaged. Tears streamed from her tiny, sad eyes.
    Lady Merry had finally hoisted herself out of her chair and waddled in. “Princess! Princess! Yes, it is a terrible thing your mother, the empress, has done.” She wanted to say that the empress was not worth it, but stopped herself. Instead she said, “But don’t make yourself sick over it.”
    As if in answer, Princess Gundersnap’s face turned a sudden and rather noxious shade of green. There was a throaty gulp and then a splat as Gundersnap threw up the even dozen s’morls she had eaten that morning. It all landed right on the letter.
    “Oh ick!” said Kristen.
    Gundersnap looked down at the mess and blinked. “Ingen Gutschatz mychenbatuz schumckenhaben Mummy,” which roughly translated from Slobo meant, “I wish it was on Mummy’s head!”

Chapter 3
    GUNDERSNAP’S BRIGHT IDEA

    The next morning Princesses Myrella, Kristen, and Alicia were excused from needlepoint so they could visit Gundersnap in the infirmary. Kristen had a vial of tummy powders from Gortle tucked beneath her kirtle, along with a note for Gundersnap.
    “It works, miladies,” Gortle had said to them after he gave the vial to Kristen. “Lady Merry tells me that old Nurse Bodkin hasn’t moved out of the thirteenth century with her cures. I remember Gundersnap writing me about some horrible remedy Bodkin had for a sinus condition.”
    “Held open the beak of a live sparrow and made you stick your nose in it,” Alicia said. “Absolutely horrid, and the sparrow had bad breath!”
    This prompted Kristen to recount for at least the fifth time the story of how she had cut her foot swimming and the old biddy Bodkin was set to do the maggot therapy on her. “Said it would prevent a scar. I said, who’s going to look at the bottom of my foot anyhow? I’d rather have a scar than a bunch of maggots eating at a banquet table that just happens to be my foot.”
    The infirmary was empty, but on one side of the room a door with the words “Medicinal Menagerie” painted on it in gold was slightly open. The room behind the door gave them the absolute creeps, but they could not resist a peek. From where they stood, they could see jars filled with all sorts of disgusting things. One