Up Till Now: The Autobiography

it would immediately letreaders know that this is to be a truthful book. But it would also be such a sad beginning, when my life has been filled with so much joy. And of course, I’m not known for my singing; in fact there are those who believe my performance of “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” may be the worst version of a Beatles song ever recorded. Not me— of course. And this is such a personal story that it needs to be told in its entirety, so certainly I couldn’t begin my book that way.
    There is one extremely well-known phrase that I definitely decided I would not use to begin this book:
    “Beam me up, Scotty.”
    In fact, I am determined that this phrase will not appear anywhere in this book.
    The beginning, I knew, needed to catch the interest of the reader within a few words, to engage their curiosity, to make them wonder, perhaps, what the hell is he talking about? Which led to:
    I arrived in New York City for the first time in my life in an Indian outrigger canoe, having paddled all the way from Montreal...
    I liked that, but it didn’t seem to convey the essence of my life. Somehow it seemed too gimmicky, too clever, so I knew I couldn’t use that. Maybe later in the first chapter, I decided.
    It occurred to me that perhaps I should open this book with a description of the day I took my beautiful horse, Sultan’s Great Day, for his final walk in the pasture. Oh my, you should have seen him in his world-championship days. I’m telling you, this was the most magnificent stallion you’ve ever seen. I’m not kidding about that. Really, people were in awe of his presence. They would look at him and . . .
    I would use that beginning to tell you about my passions, the passions that have made all the difference in my life. The passions that I’ve spent my life pursuing: the love of a beautiful woman, the love for my family, the love for my craft, my art, the need to experience every aspect of life. Sometimes I’m amazed to realize that I live today with the vestiges of my priorities as a young man, the desire to act, the need to be loved, the pleasures of a great meal, a great laugh, and enduring companionship.
    But simply telling you about my passions—even my passion for horses and dogs—seemed far too somber an opening.
    Perhaps, I thought, I should start this book by being glib, by exposing my quirky sense of humor to the readers. Make them laugh at the very beginning by quoting a newspaper story about one of the more unusual things I’ve ever done:
(AP) 1/17/2006 Actor William Shatner agreed on Monday to sell his kidney stone for $75,000 to an online casino. The money will go to Habitat for Humanity. “This takes organ donors to a new height, or perhaps a new low,” said Shatner. The auction price includes the surgical stent and string used to permit passage of the stone.
According to Shatner, the kidney stone was so big, “[Y]ou’d want to wear it on your finger. If you subjected it to extreme heat, it might turn out to be a diamond...”
    While that beginning certainly would be humorous, it just seemed too frivolous to start that way. Instead, it occurred to me that the opening of this book should be thoughtful, it should be about my life. How much more sincere could I be about the life I’ve had than using words written by David E. Kelley for the character I play on Boston Legal, Denny Crane Denny Crane:
Evening: Crane and Shore on the balcony outside Crane’s office
CRANE
Alan Shore believes man has a soul. Stop the presses.
SHORE
Don’t you believe it? Can this be all there is? And if so... have we not wasted...
CRANE
I haven’t wasted a second. I’ve enjoyed my ride, all of it.
SHORE
But will it have truly counted for something?
CRANE
You’ve heard the old joke, Alan. Man shows up at the pearly gates, sees this guy in a pinstripe suit, briefcase, cigar, prancing about, he says to St. Peter, “Who the hell is that?” St. Peter says, “Oh that’s just God. Thinks he’s Denny Crane.”
SHORE
What would you do, Denny, if you actually met God one day?
CRANE
I dunno. Probably take him fishing.
    For a brief time I had decided this was the perfect way to open this book. Then it occurred to me, let Denny Crane write his own book! Finally, inspiration struck! I had what I believed would be a unique and perfect opening:
    Are you tired of paying full price for this book? Well, you don’t have to. You can buy as many copies of it as you like—and you name the price! That’s