Up Till Now: The Autobiography

ONE

    I was going to begin my autobiography this way:
    Call me . . . Captain James T. Kirk or Sergeant T.J. Hooker or Denny Crane Denny Crane or Twilight Zone plane passenger Bob Wilson or the Big Giant Head or Henry V or the Priceline Negotiator or . . .
    Well, that’s the problem, isn’t it? I’ve been a working actor for more than half a century and I’ve played so many different roles on the stage, on television, and in the movies that it would be impossible to focus on just one of them. Besides, my career as an actor is only part of my story, so I realized I couldn’t begin this book that way.
    Then I decided I was going to start this book by telling the story of my memorable meeting with Koko the gorilla:
    In 1988, to help the Gorilla Foundation encourage Californians to contribute to its Endangered Species Campaign, I was permitted to visit Koko the gorilla in her quarters. Koko was an extraordinary animal who had learned to communicate with human beings. She was able to sign more than six hundred words, but more impressively, as her handlers told me, she understood the meaning of those words. She knew the signs for water and for bird and the first time she saw a duck landing on a lake she signed water bird . That displayed a synthesis of knowledge. So you see, she was obviously very intelligent. I was allowed to go into her compound, to enter a room with her all alone. As I walked into that room I was reminded that she was an imposing, powerful animal; smaller gorillas have been known to tear off men’s arms in anger. I am not often afraid, but truthfully I was frightened.
    There is a form of acting that teaches: feel it and say it, and that feeling will be revealed through your words. The English form is quite different: say it and then you feel it. To deal with my fear of this magnificent animal as I got closer and closer to her I found myself saying, “I love you, Koko. I love you.” I said it earnestly and honestly and I looked directly in her eyes as I spoke. I crouched over a little to show submission, moving forward rather than backward to show I was not afraid. Over and over I repeated, “I love you, Koko, I love you.” And as I said it, I began to feel that love. Finally I stopped directly in front of her and looked into her deep brown eyes and saw her furrowed brow and her enormous hands. I love you, Koko.
    And with that she reached out and grabbed me by my balls. And looked me right in the eyes. After a slight pause—in a substantially higher voice—I tried to repeat, “I love you, Koko.” Obviously these words had more significance than a few seconds earlier.
    Her handler, standing just outside the room, said, “Stand very still. She wants you to go to her bedroom.” So I stood very still because I did not want to go to her bedroom. I think it is fair to say that few people in history have ever stood as still as I did at that moment. Meanwhile, in the adjoining compound a young gorilla who they hoped would mate with Koko was pounding on the door like a jealous husband. There I was, caught in the eternal triangle, with a gorilla holding on to my rapidly shrinking scrotum. Eventually she got bored...
    Starting this book with that story would enable me to inform the reader that it’s not going to be limited to my professional career, that it will also include stories about all the extraordinary opportunities I’ve been given to explore the world. I’d discuss all the amazing experiences I’ve had, from that dark night in Africa when I pursued a wild elephant to the afternoon a helicopter left me more alone than I’d ever been in my life on top of a twenty-thousand-foot-high glacier, and even to that memorable moment when I saw aliens in the desert. And it would also demonstrate that there are going to be a lot of laughs in this book, most of them at my expense. But then I realized that people know me primarily from the work I’ve done as an actor, so that wouldn’t be effective as a beginning. So I decided not to begin that way either.
    Then I had a great idea. I was going to start the book by quoting the lyrics to a song I’d written about the truly tragic death by drowning of my beautiful wife, Nerine Shatner:
My love was supposed to protect her
It didn’t
My love was supposed to heal her
It didn’t
You had said don’t leave me
And I begged you not to leave me
We did
    Opening the book that way would be so meaningful to me, beginning with the great tragedy of my life. And