Where Nerves End

“how can you be?” or “thats impossible”—and jumped headlong into trying to get her head around it.
He cleared his throat. “I, well,” he paused, glancing at me. “Not…not long. I mean, I suspected it for a long time, but I didnt know for sure.”
Her eyes flicked toward me again, then fixed on him. “So hes the…” She swallowed. “The first?”
Michael took a deep breath. “I, hes—” He hesitated, then deflated a little, like the shame had worn him down, and he let out the long sigh of someone about to make a confession. “Yes, hes the first. I kind of knew even as far back as high school, but after the way…after how we were all raised, I was afraid it was wrong. So I tried to pretend it wasnt real.”
Daina stared at the floor between us. “But you knew.” It wasnt a question.
“In the back of my mind,” he said, avoiding her eyes. “As much as I tried to tell myself it wasnt true…” He nodded slowly. “Yes, I knew.”
She hugged herself tighter, pursing her lips and furrowing her brow. Michael and I exchanged nervous looks again.
His thumb moved across my hand and Daina jumped. It was then that I realized shed been staring at our hands.
Michael pulled his hand away, glancing at me with raised eyebrows as if to make sure I was okay with it. I nodded. Then he broke the silence. “Daina—”
“I cant believe I didnt figure it out,” she said with a laugh. She shook her head and looked at him, still laughing. I couldnt decide if she sounded nervous, relieved, or if it was that humorless laughter that sometimes precedes violent rage.
“What do you mean?” he asked.
She bit her lip, looking away for a second. When their eyes met again, the humor was gone from her expression, but no anger took its place. “I feel so stupid, I—”
“Daina, please, you couldnt have known,” Michael said softly. “Im sorry, I kept—”
“No, no, its not that. Its…” She paused, and when she spoke again, she spoke quickly, as if the thoughts were easier to sort this way. “It all makes sense. I mean, I beat myself up for years because I knew something was missing between us. I knew it, but I couldnt figure out what it was, and I felt guilty. All that time I thought I was doing something wrong, or that there was something wrong with me, and thats why we just couldnt connect, and—”
“Daina, you did—”
“Let me finish,” she said. “I felt guilty, you know, with the divorce, and Dylan, and…” She looked him in the eye. “But now, now that youve told me this, I know I wasnt doing anything wrong.” She paused, her blank expression unchanging for a moment. Then she exhaled and her shoulders relaxed as her lips pulled into a smile. “I wasnt doing anything wrong. You werent doing anything wrong. We just werent meant for each other.”
Michael nodded. “Yes, exactly. We couldnt force it to work, and it wasnt anyones fault that it didnt.”
Daina ran her hand through her hair again and laughed. “Michael, you dont even know how much of a weight this is off my shoulders.”
“Jesus, Daina, I had no idea…” He reached for her, and she threw her arms around him. The house was completely still and silent for a long moment as the two of them embraced, and when he looked back at me, I smiled at him and he returned it.
After they separated, Michael gestured for us all to sit at the dining room table. We did, Daina and I sitting across from each other with Michael between us.
“So, how did this even get started?” she asked. “I mean, you told me you were moving in with a patient, so…”
“Which was true.” Michael laughed softly and glanced at me. “Thats how it started. How it was supposed to be.”
She released her breath. “I see.”
“And Im telling you now because I wanted you to know,” Michael said. “And I wont go behind your back on something like this, but I…” His Adams apple bobbed once. “I want Dylan to know.”
She tensed. “You want…”
“I think he should know,” he said.
“But,” she paused, biting her lip. “Hes a little young, dont you think?”
“He was younger when he met Lee,” he said.
“Well, yes, I know, but—” She cut herself off, pursing her lips as she looked down at her hands on the table.
“But this is different?” Michael said.
She gave an apologetic nod. “Im not saying its wrong, its just…” She looked up, her lips tightening with frustration as if she couldnt find the words. “God, I dont even know. But right