White Space Season 1

spoke: “Jon, who the hell do you think told me to make your little Sarah problem go away?”

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CHAPTER 4 — Cassidy Hughes

    Friday night

    Cassidy was sitting in the hospital room doing something she never, ever did: singing Vivian’s praises in the back of her head.
    Cassidy was 18 miles past exhausted. When Vivian called offering to spend the night in the room with Emma so Cassidy could have the evening off, she didn’t know what to say.
    At first she said no, arguing with Viv like she always did. But when her mom insisted on staying, saying it was the least she could do after being MIA for the search, Cassidy finally relented and instantly started dreaming about being back in her place, back in her own bed, if only for a night, by herself.
    As she waited for her mom to arrive, Cassidy sat at Emma’s bedside, wrapped snug in the comfort of knowing her niece was safe. She had seen her safe return, and even if Jon were to take her away, at least she didn’t have to feel the wretched horror of not knowing where Emma was.
    When Emma was missing, Cassidy was a failure — not just as a temporary mother to Emma, but with everything in her life. Like always. Sarah was gone, and her sister’s absence served to reinforce a lifelong law: Sarah was good at everything, Cassidy at nothing.
    Sarah had died so suddenly, that it was difficult, if not altogether impossible, to properly mourn her passing. Cassidy had gone from the “fun aunt” who refused to grow up to full-time guardian in the ringing silence that sits in between one second and the next. Cassidy didn’t have so much as a minute to process or reflect. She felt like she’d done the right thing, stepping in to care for Emma, but had she really?
    Was it fair to her or Emma? Perhaps Emma was better off with Viv. Crazy as she was, she did raise two girls on her own. Or now that Jon knew the truth, perhaps Emma was better off with her father. That seemed like the option which made the most sense to Cassidy.
    But was it the right thing for Emma?
    Emma had been asleep in her hospital bed for a while. Yet, as much as Cassidy was looking forward to an empty house and cool sheets, she wasn’t quite ready to leave. She slouched in a surprisingly comfortable chair next to Emma’s hospital bed, stroking her hair as her niece quietly snored.
    Cassidy’s mind began sifting through an impossible number of what-ifs — from her own life, along with the many who, what, and wheres and whys that came from living life with Sarah.
    Cassidy had never known life without her sister. At one time, they’d been tighter than the threads of a rope. Even when they didn’t get along, they still had a bond which went deeper than temporary mood swings, rivalries, or any of the other shit that you go through with your siblings. They were, in some ways, like halves of a whole.
    Now, one half of Cassidy’s was gone forever.
    She’d never felt more alone, and was tangled in the thickest self-doubt of her life.
    Life was never easy when you were Sarah’s sister. Sarah was always so smart, and happy, and warm. She was easy to love, and even easier to be around. Sarah was a giver — of both her time and love. Whereas Cassidy always felt like a taker. And no matter how brightly Cassidy managed to shine, she was only a shadow beside her sister’s brilliance.
    Cassidy had spent her life comparing herself to her other, better half. She sometimes let the pain pool deep enough to wallow in, especially when her Addict was around and happy to help. Cassidy wished she believed in a God she could pray to help her through this.
    That was one other thing that Sarah had over her — faith.
    Lack of faith might have been the number one divider between Cassidy and her sister. Cassidy saw believing in God as only slightly less stupid than believing in Santa. The only difference was, you grew out of the Santa lie.
    In her weakest moments, Cassidy often wondered if Sarah’s unwavering faith was one of the things that made her light shine through Cassidy’s shadows.
    That last thought sent a sharp and sudden stabbing into the depths of her chest. She wondered how she would get through the night.
    Her addict reminded her.
    What are you waiting for, Cass? The bottle is full.
    FUCK.
    She looked at Emma, resting so peacefully, and wondered how on Earth she could possibly take care of the child. Once an addict, always an addict. And addicts couldn’t be trusted.
    That’s right. Why bloody your