Xenocide (Ender Wiggins Saga)

that, it would kill her."
    "Mother? She's too tough to die."
    "No," said Ender. "She's so fragile right now that any blow might kill her. Not her body. Her-- trust. Her hope. Don't give her any reason to think you're not with her, no matter what."
    Ela looked at him with exasperation. "Is this something you decide , or does it just come naturally to you?"
    "What are you talking about?"
    "Mother just said things to you that should have made you furious or hurt or-- something , anyway-- and you just sit there trying to think of ways to help her. Don't you ever feel like lashing out at somebody? I mean, don't you ever lose your temper?"
    "Ela, after you've inadvertently killed a couple of people with your bare hands, either you learn to control your temper or you lose your humanity."
    "You've done that?"
    "Yes," he said. He thought for a moment that she was shocked.
    "Do you think you could still do it?"
    "Probably," he said.
    "Good. It may be useful when all hell breaks loose."
    Then she laughed. It was a joke. Ender was relieved. He even laughed, weakly, along with her.
    "I'll go to Mother," said Ela, "but not because you told me to, or even for the reasons that you said."
    "Fine, just so you go."
    "Don't you want to know why I'm going to stick with her?"
    "I already know why."
    "Of course. She was wrong, wasn't she. You do know everything, don't you."
    "You're going to go to your mother because it's the most painful thing you could do to yourself at this moment."
    "You make it sound sick."
    "It's the most painful good thing you could do. It's the most unpleasant job around. It's the heaviest burden to bear."
    "Ela the martyr, certo ? Is that what you'll say when you speak my death?"
    "If I'm going to speak your death, I'll have to pre-record it. I intend to be dead long before you . "
    "So you're not leaving Lusitania?"
    "Of course not."
    "Even if Mother boots you out?"
    "She can't. She has no grounds for divorce, and Bishop Peregrino knows us both well enough to laugh at any request for annulment based on a claim of nonconsummation."
    "You know what I mean."
    "I'm here for the long haul," said Ender. "No more phony immortality through time dilation. I'm through chasing around in space. I'll never leave the surface of Lusitania again."
    "Even if it kills you? Even if the fleet comes?"
    "If everybody can leave, then I'll leave," said Ender. "But I'll be the one who turns off all the lights and locks the door."
    She ran to him and kissed him on the cheek and embraced him, just for a moment. Then she was out the door and he was, once again, alone.
    I was so wrong about Novinha, he thought. It wasn't Valentine she was jealous of. It was Jane. All these years, she's seen me speaking silently with Jane, all the time, saying things that she could never hear, hearing things that she could never say. I've lost her trust in me, and I never even realized I was losing it.
    Even now, he must have been subvocalizing. He must have been talking to Jane out of a habit so deep that he didn't even know he was doing it. Because she answered him.
    "I warned you," she said.
    I suppose you did, Ender answered silently.
    "You never think I understand anything about human beings."
    I guess you're learning.
    "She's right, you know. You are my puppet. I manipulate you all the time. You haven't had a thought of your own in years."
    "Shut up," he whispered. "I'm not in the mood."
    "Ender," she said, "if you think it would help you keep from losing Novinha, take the jewel out of your ear. I wouldn't mind."
    " I would," he said.
    "I was lying, so would I," she said. "But if you have to do it, to keep her, then do it."
    "Thank you," he said. "But I'd be hard-pressed to keep someone that I've clearly lost already."
    "When Quim comes back, everything will be fine."
    Right, thought Ender. Right.
    Please, God, take good care of Father Estevão.
     
     
     
    They knew Father Estevão was coming. Pequeninos always did. The fathertrees told each other everything. There were no secrets. Not that they wanted it that way. There might be one fathertree that wanted to keep a secret or tell a lie. But they couldn't exactly go off by themselves. They never had private experiences. So if one fathertree wanted to keep something to himself, there'd be another close by who didn't feel that way. Forests always acted in unity, but they were still made up of individuals, and so stories passed from one forest to another no matter what a few fathertrees might wish.
    That