You Suck: A Love Story

curtsied.
    Jody choked, sprayed coffee out her nose, and turned quickly so as not to laugh in Abby’s face.
    “Are you okay, Mistress-I mean, Jody?”
    “No, I’m fine.” It was strange just how sensitive the vampire sinus is to hot liquids. Jody was sure that she might never smell anything but bloody French roast again, and her eyes were watering, or so she thought, but when she turned back around, Abby jumped back six feet and yelped.
    “Holy shit!” Abby had backed against the futon frame and was about to tumble over backwards.
    Jody was around the breakfast bar, steadying the girl in less than a tenth of a second-which caused Abby to jump straight into the air about three feet.
    Jody could tell the girl was going to fall. Abby was going to come down with one foot on the back of the futon frame, one in midair, and she was going to tumble over and land on her shoulder and head on the hardwood floor. Jody saw this coming, could have caught Abby and set her gently on her feet, but instead, she felt that maternal instinct kick in-the realization that if the child didn’t take a knock or two, she’d never learn-so Jody stepped back into the kitchen, where she picked up her coffee and watched as the kid hit.
    “Ouch!” Said Abby, now a black-and-red heap on the floor.
    “Boy, that looked like it hurt,” Jody said.
    Abby was on her feet, limping and rubbing her head. “What the fuck, Countess? I thought you had my back.”
    “Yeah, sorry,” Jody said. “Why the freak-out?”
    “There’s blood running down your face. I guess it startled me.”
    Jody dabbed at her eyes with the sleeve of her robe, leaving little red spots on the white terry cloth.
    “Well, would you look at that?” She was trying to be casual, trying to act like someone four or five hundred years old might behave, but the blood tears were disturbing her more than a little.
    Change the subject. “So, this apartment you found, where is it?”
    “Don’t you want to wait for Flood?” Abby asked.
    “Flood? What Flood?”
    “Flood, the orange-colored vampire who just ran out the door.”
    “Oh, him,” Jody said. Tommy and his tanning lotion. He was out running around on the street with no shirt or shoes. Orange. “Was he orange?”
    Abby threw out her nearly non ex is tent hip. “Hello? You’re crying blood and your partner is orange and you didn’t notice? Do you guys get senile over the years or what?”
    Jody set her cup down on the counter, just to make sure that it didn’t shatter in her hand. She drew on her experience working in the claims department at Transamerica, where her immediate supervisor was a complete ass-bag, and it took everything she could do, every minute of the day, not to bang the woman’s skull repeatedly in a filing drawer. She liked to think of it as her professional face. So instead of snapping Abby’s pale little neck, she smiled, counting to ten as she did. At ten, she said, “Go get him. Bring him back.” Another smile. “Okay, sweetie?”
    “But why is he orange?”
    “The shedding is upon him,” Jody said. “Every hundred years or so, we shed our skin, and a few weeks prior we turn orange. It’s a very dangerous time for us. So please, go find him.”
    Abby nodded furiously and backed away toward the door. “Really?”
    “Really,” Jody said, nodding gravely. “Quick, away with you, the time of the shedding is upon him.” She waved toward the door the way she thought a five-hundred-year-old countess might. (Where did the countess thing come from, anyway?) “Right,” Abby said, and she took off out the loft door and down the steps after Tommy.
    Jody went to the bathroom and used a damp washcloth to wash the blood tears off her face. I may actually be evil, she thought. She knew it should bother her more, being evil and all, but after she put on a little mascara and some lipstick and poured herself another cup of blood-laced coffee, she found that she was okay with it.

13 – Moving Day
    Jody sipped her coffee and sighed, satisfied, like she’d just had a gentle coffee orgasm, the sort of pleasurable release you only see people have in commercials for froufrou coffee and hemorrhoid cream.
    This blood-beverage phenomenon added a whole new twist to their lives. A glass of wine? A diet cola maybe-wait, screw diet-a sugary, teeth-rotting cola. What about solid food? Sure, being a godlike creature of the night was great, but what about a jelly donut? French fries? She was Irish, she