You Suck: A Love Story

motion-free battle of doing absolutely nothing. Monet had always prevailed, but this guy-this new guy-was really good.
    The challenger had been there when Monet arrived in the late morning, and he hadn’t even blinked for two hours. The guy’s makeup was perfect, too. He looked as if he had really been bronzed, so it was beyond Monet why he would choose to get his collections in Big Gulp cups that he’d jammed his feet into. Monet carried a small portfolio case, with a hole cut in it where tourists could stuff their bills. He had primed his money hole with a five today, just to show the challenger that he wasn’t intimidated, but the truth was, after two hours, he hadn’t made half of what he saw the newcomer take in, and he was intimidated. And his nose itched.
    His nose itched and the new statue guy was kicking his ass. Normally Monet would change positions every half hour or so, then stand motionless while the tourists taunted him and tried to make him flinch, but with the new competition, he had to stay still as long as it took.
    The robots on the promenade had all assumed poses from which they could watch. They only had to hold still until someone dropped cash into their cup, then they would do the robot dance. It was boring work, but the hours were good and you were outside. It looked like Monet was going down.
    S undown.
    He felt like his ass was on fire.
    Tommy came to to the sound of a riding crop being smacked against his bare butt and the rough bark of a woman’s voice.
    “Say it! Say it! Say it!”
    He tried to pull away from the pain but couldn’t move his arms or legs. He was having trouble focusing his vision-waves of light and heat were rocketing around his brain and all he could really see was a bright red spot with waves of heat coming off of it and a figure moving around the edges. It was like staring into the sun through a red filter. He could feel the heat on his face.
    “Ouch!” Tommy said. “Dammit!” He pulled against his bonds and heard a metallic rattling, but nothing gave.
    The red hot light went away and was replaced by the blurry form of a female face, a blue face, just inches away from his own. “Say it,” she whispered harshly, spitting a little on the “it.”
    “Say what?”
    “Say it, vampire!” she said. She whipped the riding crop across his stomach and he howled.
    Tommy squirmed against his bonds and heard the rattling again. With the spotlight moved away, he could see that he was suspended by very professional-looking nylon restraints to a brass, four-poster
    bed frame that had been stood on end. He was completely naked and evidently the blue woman, who was dressed in a black vinyl bustier, boots, and nothing else, had been whaling on him for some time. He could see welts across his stomach and thighs, and well, his ass felt like it was on fire.
    She wound up to smack him again.
    “Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,” Tommy said, trying not to screech. He only realized then that his fangs were extended and he’d bitten his own lips.
    The blue woman held up. “Say it.”
    Tommy tried to keep his voice calm. “I know you’ve been doing this for a while now, but I’ve only been awake for about a minute of it, so I have no idea what you are asking me. If you slow down and repeat the whole question, I’ll be happy to tell you what ever I know.”
    “Your safety word,” said the blue woman.
    “Which is?” Tommy said. He noticed for the first time that she had enormous boobs spilling out of that bustier and it occurred to him that he had never seen big blue boobs before. They were kind of mesmerizing. He wouldn’t have been able to look away even if he weren’t strapped down.
    “I told you,” she said, letting the riding crop fall to her side.
    “You told me what a safety word is?”
    “I just told you what it is.”
    “So you know it, then?”
    “Yes,” she said.
    “Then why are you asking?”
    “To see if you’re at your breaking point.” She seemed to be pouting a little now. “Don’t be a dick, this isn’t my specialty.”
    “Where am I?” Tommy asked. “You’re Lash’s Smurf, aren’t you? Are we at Lash’s?”
    “I’m asking the questions here.” She snapped the riding crop against his thigh.
    “Ouch! Fuck! Stop that. You have issues, lady.”
    “Say it!”
    “What is it? I was asleep when you told me, you stupid bitch!” He was wrong, he was able to look away from the blue boobs. He snarled at her, something coming up from deep