You Suck: A Love Story

What?”
    And the Countess is all, “Nothing.”
    Which I know is totally something, because I say it all the time. And I watch her eyes follow Jared’s cup as he sips his coffee and I’m all, “Oh, fucksocks, Countess, cowboy the fuck up, would you?” Then I
    slipped Jared’s dagger out of his boot, grabbed his hand, and poked him in the thumb.
    I’d like to say right here that the screaming was totally unnecessary. And what ever the Chinese guy was saying at me from behind the counter was a total overreaction and how does he expect me to understand him when he’s talking that fast AND in Chinese? Anyway, after I squeezed Jared’s thumb into his cup, then a little into my own and gave it to Flood, everyone calmed down, even the Chinese guy after Jared paid him for two more coffees-and the meeting of the Immortal SOMA Drama Queens officially came to order.
    It seemed like we waited forever, and the Countess and Flood wouldn’t answer any of my questions about the way of the nosferatu. It was like they had no idea what they were doing. Like last year I took Advanced Foods class (which is like cooking for nerds) after lunch, and so I usually took a nap. Which was fine, because I’m not even thrilled about regular foods, so, you know, what do I need with like advanced digital HD wi-fi foods and whatnot-so I took the course pass-fail and slept. But then, at the end of the semester, my mom springs this trap on me, like-“Oh, Allison, I’ve bought ingredients and you can prepare dinner for Ronnie and me to show what you learned in your Advanced Foods class. It’ll be fun.”
    You can pretty much bet that anytime Mom uses the phrase “it’ll be fun,” she is about to drive a stake in fun’s heart so that it may never rise again. Which is what happened. Artichokes? Who eats something like that? I thought it was a weapon.
    So anyway, after nine eternities in the diner, we went back to the loft, where the Countess said she had my Christmas present waiting. When we got to the block, the cops and EMTs were gone and it looked like the coast was clear, but when the Countess opened the security door to the loft, there, sitting on the steps, was the old vampyre, naked.
    Well, the Countess and Flood jumped about eighteen feet in the air and I’m pretty sure I peed a little.
    Yes, I definitely peed. Jared just started an asthma attack, not the whole attack, just the first gasp. He just stopped breathing after that.
    So Elijah is all, “I needed to do some laundry.”
    Let me say right here, if I haven’t made it clear, that I have seen as many pale, naked old-man parts in the last twenty-four hours to bruise my delicate psyche for a lifetime, so don’t be surprised if you someday find me wandering the moors at midnight, a crazed look in my eye, babbling about albino Tater Tots nesting in Brillo pads and being pursued by sagging man ass, because that shit can happen when
    you’ve been traumatized.
    Then Flood threw himself against the door and screamed for us to run as he bravely held the door against our ancient vampyre ancestor’s assaults. I was beginning to doubt Flood’s ability to fulfill his duties as my Dark Lord until he stepped up and saved us-valiant vampyre hero that he is-because I was starting to think he was just a geek with a passing knowledge of poetry.
    As we ran I could hear Elijah saying, “He peed on my tracksuit,” as he threw himself against the door, or I guessed he did, because I didn’t turn around until we were two blocks away.
    The Countess was all, “I’ve got to go back for him.” But before she even turned around, my Dark Lord came running around the corner.
    And he was all, “Go, go, go!” waving at us.
    And we were all, “Where? Where? Where?”
    And then as the Countess threw her arms around Flood and started to squeeze the bejeezus out of him, and Jared was all, “Gasp, get a room, gasp,” her watch started beeping. Then Flood’s watch was beeping, too. And they were all, “Uh-oh.”
    So we had like ten minutes to find someplace dark to hide them, and no one had any money for a hotel, even if we had the time to check in and whatnot. So they ran toward a big construction site under the Bay Bridge. And I was thinking, I do not want to bury my masters in the construction site. What if they got paved? It would totally freak them out to get paved.
    And the Countess was all, “How did you get away?”
    And the vampyre Flood was all, “The dryer buzzer went