You Suck: A Love Story

know I should be eating bugs and spiders and stuff to facilitate my vampyrism, but as a vegetarian, I haven’t developed the hunting skills, so I’ve started with some Gummi Bears I got at the theater. (Supposedly they are made out of beef pectin or extract of horse hooves or something, so I think they make a good transition to the nosferatu diet. And I like biting off their tiny heads.) Here, high above the City-well, actually, we’re about ten feet above some homeless people who live under the bridge-I feel like the guardian of an ancient tomb, willing to face any attacker to protect my master and mistress, who are wrapped in tarps, lying on the next beam or rafter or what ever.
    OMFG, there are fucking pigeons everywhere! Sorry, one just pooped on my notebook. Never mind.
    Move along. I’m over it. But ewwww!
    Jared has gone to his dad’s house in theNoeValley to get the lawn cart and minivan so we can transport my masters to safety. He left me his dagger, which I’ve only had to brandish once, against a woman who wanted to take the tarp from over my Dark Lord. Then I used it to scrape off my old nail polish, which was totally chipped and stuff from doing minion manual labor.
    So, my masters like met up with us outside theMuseumofModern Art and they were all, “Are you okay?
    Did he hurt you?” And they were being all secretive around Jared, like he didn’t know we were vampyres. And I was all, “Just chill, he’s assistant minion.” So they relaxed.
    Then Flood pulls this bronze hand out of his bag and he’s all, “Abby, do you know what this is?”
    And I was all, “Why yes, Lord Flood,” because I speak obvious as a second language. “It’s a bronze hand, correct?”
    So the Countess took the hand from him. “Abby, this is what’s left of the shell of the vampyre who turned me.”
    So I’m all, “Begging your pardon and whatnot, Countess, but that’s a statue hand.”
    And she’s all, “That’s what I’m saying.” Which is not what the fuck she was saying at all.
    So it turns out that the bronze statue that used to be in the loft was actually the vampyre who turned the Countess, and then the Countess turned the vampyre Flood, except he was just Flood then. So the old vampyre, whose name is Elijah, got all PMS and started fucking with the Countess by leaving dead bodies all over town with evidence pointing toward her, and threatening to kill her minion, who was Flood at the time, and it got completely out of hand, with some cops and the geeks from the Safeway blowing up Elijah’s yacht and really pissing him off, and then the Countess pretending to save Elijah when in fact she was extracting his ancient vampyry secrets, and Flood bronzing them both, but letting the Countess out because she is the love of his life and whatnot. So Flood, who is not a mysterious and ancient creature of the night at all, but has been a vampyre like a week longer than I have, took the statue down to the waterfront to drop it in the Bay, so it wouldn’t remind the Countess of her heart being torn asunder by the yearning for two lovers and stuff. But the sun came up and Flood left the statue on the Embarcadero, and when they went back it was gone, and it turns out that Elijah is loose and he was the crusty vampyre in the yellow tracksuit I saw shaking the huge cat guy and he is now stalking me to get back at the Countess for being a duplicitous ho.
    So Jared was all, “Fuck. That’s awesome.”
    And I was all, “You lied to me.”
    And the Countess was all, “Yeah, sunshine, that’s why I’m telling you this now.” Which was completely unnecessary sarcasm on her part.
    And Jared was like, “This is the best Christmas ever.”
    And I was all, “Shut up, gay-bait. I’ve been betrayed.”
    And the Countess was all, “You’ll get over it. We have to go see if William is okay.”
    And I see now that she was right, but I brooded as we went back to the loft, just to make a point, because I hate it when people take me for granted. When we got to the Countess’s block, there was an ambulance there and cops all over the place, so Flood and the Countess hung back and sent me over to get the 411. I could see that the huge cat guy was on a stretcher and they were strapping oxygen on him.
    And I was all, “Let me through, this man is my father.”
    And the EMTs were all, “No way.”
    And I was all, “Who called you, anyway?”
    And they were like, “The guy in the building. A sculptor or