You Suck: A Love Story

street, hisses once and looks at us, and that’s when Steve holds up one of his UV floodlights, and the vampyre fucking scrams down the alley across the street so fast that he was just a blur.
    Next thing, Flood is coming out of the building carrying the Countess, who is wrapped in the black rubber tarp and is totally roofied like a limp rag. And Steve’s all, “Get her in the car.”
    And I’m like, “Did you feed Chet?”
    And Jared is like, “Hello, Abby, the other vampyres.”
    So I’m like, “Shut up. I know.” So we all piled into Steve’s car and we took Flood and the Countess to a hotel off up on Van Ness, which Steve paid for with his Visa, which was generous and mature of him.
    It was one of those motels where you have your own entrance to the parking lot so they don’t see you in the hallway, so Flood carried the Countess up to the room, and we carried some stuff that Steve had packed up in the trunk of his car.
    It was so sad. Flood just stroked the Countess’s cheek and tried to get her to wake up, but she wouldn’t. And he was all, “Abby, she needs to feed. I wouldn’t ask, but he’s done something to her, she’s hurt.”
    And I would have totally done it, but Steve pulled me back, and he picks up this playmate cooler that he had us bring up, and he pulls out these pouches of blood.
    And he hands them to Flood and says, “I took them from the university hospital. They could kick me out of school for this.”
    And Flood is all, “Thanks.” And he bites a hole in one of the pouches and squeezes it on the Countess’s lips and that’s when I started to cry.
    There were like four pouches, and when he was going for the last one, Steve was like, “You need to drink that one.”
    And Flood was like, “No way, it’s for her.”
    And Steve was like, “You know you do.”
    So Flood like nodded and drank the last one himself, and then he just sat there by her, stroking her hair.
    Then Steve was like, “Tommy, you know I can reverse your vampirism. I’m pretty sure the process works.”
    And Flood just looked at him and nodded. It was so sad. And then the Countess started to moan, and she opened her eyes and she saw the vampyre Flood and she was all, “Hey, baby.” Just like that. And I
    started crying again like a big wuss and Steve took Jared and me out to the car to give them some space.
    And Steve was like, “I made this for you from my jacket.” And he put this leather motorcycle jacket on me that was covered with those glass LED thingies. It was kinda heavy, because there were batteries built into the padding, but cool. And he was all, “This will keep you safe. The switch is in the snap on the left cuff. Just squeeze it and the lights will come on. They won’t hurt you, but you should wear sunglasses to protect your retinas.” Then he put a pair of totally cyber wraparound sunglasses on me and kissed me.
    And I kissed him back, hard, with major tongue, and finally he pulled away, as gentle as a butterfly. So then I slapped him, so he wouldn’t think I was a slut. But so he wouldn’t think I was being frigid, I sort of jumped on him and wrapped my legs around him and sort of accidentally rode him to the ground and was accidentally kind of dry-humping him on the pavement when the lights on my jacket came on and people looked out their hotel windows and whatnot, so Jared ended our special romantic moment by hitting my light switch and dragging me off.
    And I was all, “You are THE MAN, Foo!”
    And he was all, “Huh?” Because I hadn’t told him yet that his new name was Foo Dog.
    But then he said he actually had to get home and check in or his parents would freak out. And said to watch the masters until I got back, if I got a chance try to talk them into being converted. So we made out on the hood of the Honda for a while and he drove off into night’s cold loneliness like the superhero that he is. (The effect was ruined, kind of, in that Jared caught a ride with him.) So I went back upstairs and sat at the foot of the masters’ bed, keeping guard and listening to them.
    They were talking softly, but I could hear them.
    The vampyre Flood was all, “Maybe we should give it a try.”
    And the Countess was all, “What, the cure? Tommy, it can’t work. You’ve seen what I can do, you know what you can do. This isn’t biology, this is magic.”
    “Maybe it’s not. Maybe it’s science we don’t know yet.”
    “It doesn’t matter. We don’t even know if it