You Suck: A Love Story

works.”
    “We should try.”
    “Why would we try, Tommy? You’ve only been immortal for a couple of weeks. Do you want to give up the power, the-I don’t know-the command over your world?”
    “Well-yes.”
    “You do?”
    “Yeah. I don’t like it, Jody. I don’t like being afraid all the time. I don’t like being alone. I don’t like being a killer.”
    “That woman was torturing you, Tommy. That’s never going to happen again.”
    “That’s wasn’t the problem. I’d get over her. The problem was that I liked it. I liked it.”
    Then the Countess was quiet for a while, and I thought it might be dawn or something, but I peeked over the edge of the bed and she was just staring into his eyes. She looked over at me.
    “Hey, girlie girl,” the Countess said, and she smiled at me and it felt like a gift or something. It was like, real. Then she took her watch off and threw it to me at the end of the bed. “That has an automatic almanac in it-how about you set the alarm to go off about twenty minutes before sunset, so you don’t get caught out again, okay?” And I was going to tell her about the jacket that Foo made for me, but I kind of couldn’t talk, so I just nodded and put the watch on and slid back down to the floor.
    Then I heard the Countess go, “You aren’t alone. I’m here. We can go where no one knows us, no one
    is chasing us, and I’ll always be here for you.”
    And he goes, “I know. I mean alone from everyone else. Separate. I want to be human, not some foul dead thing.”
    “I thought you wanted to be special.”
    “I do, but I want to be human special-because of something I did.”
    Then it was quiet for a while, and finally the Countess goes, “I love it, Tommy. I’m not afraid all the time like you; just the opposite. I didn’t realize how afraid I used to be until I became like this. I like walking the street knowing that I’m the Alpha animal, hearing and seeing and smelling everything, being part of everything. I like it. I wanted to share that with you”
    “It’s okay. You couldn’t have known.”
    “I don’t want to be alone either. That’s why I turned you. I love you.”
    Then the alarm went off on Lord Flood’s watch, and he shut it off.
    Then he’s all, “We can’t go back to the way it was, before, I mean? Where I look after you?”
    “It’s not the same world, Tommy. You know that now. We were in the same room in different worlds.”
    “Okay then. I love you, Jody.”
    “I love you, too,” goes the Countess.
    Then they didn’t say anything for a long time, and when my new watch showed that the sun was up, I looked, and they were lying there, holding each other, and I could see the red stains on the pillow from their tears.
    And I was like, “Oh, hell no!”

31 – Being the Chronicles of
    AbbyNormal: Not Unlike the Toaster,
    I Control the Darkness
    So I slept a little that day, and talked to my sweet love-ninja, Foo, a couple of times on the phone, then he came over and we left Jared with some blood for Lord Flood and the Countess when they awoke, and motored to the loft. It took like an hour to clean up all the broken glass and ash and stuff from the night before. We had just finished cleaning and counting the money and making out and whatnot when the alarm went off on the Countess’s watch.
    And I was like, “Dude, I’m not ready.”
    And he was all, “Dude, you are more ready than anyone I’ve ever known.”
    And I was all, “OMG, I am so going to sex you to death if we live through this.”
    And then he was all bashful and pretended to be doing something technical so we were ready.
    Then, like an hour after sundown, I heard them coming. I was at the kitchen counter when the security door downstairs opened, and when I turned around they were just, like there. Lord Flood called them the Animals, but now they were kind of the roadkill. And I like touched the snap on my UV jacket, just to make sure it was there.
    So I was all, “Hey, vampyre scum.”
    And the formerly black and now gray one, who was like their leader, was all up in my grille, like, “We need the money, where is the money?”
    And I was like, “Step off, undead-tard. There’s no money.”
    And he was like, “Don’t fuck with us. Flood and the redhead took like six hundred grand from my apartment.”
    And I was all, “Actually, its like five hundred and eighty-three thousand eight hundred and fifty-eight.”
    And he was all, “Give it!”
    And all seven of