You Suck: A Love Story

tentacled horror Cthulu from Lovecraft
    as I previously stated in AP English 235, but, in fact, Pippi Longstocking. Before you condemn me for my Pippism, check it out:
    Pippi drank a lot of coffee. (Because, like me, she was wise.) Pippi had unnaturally red hair (as I, myself have had, upon occasion).
    Pippi often wore long, stripy socks (as yours truly has been known to do).
    Pippi had superhuman strength. (It could happen.) Pippi kicked ass. (Not unlike your humble narrator.) Pippi was a kid who lived without parents in her own house. (Go, girl!) With a monkey. (Haven’t you always wanted a monkey?) What Longstockings did not have, was the coolest cyber-ninja-sex-magic boyfriend to ever save the world and whatnot. (Props to Pip, but girlfriend needed some yang to rock her yin.) Steve. My darling, my love, My heart is aflame But OMFG, Steve, I grieve,
    That you’re name Is so fucking lame.
    I call him Foo Dog, because he guards the gate of my temple, if you know what I mean. I’m wearing the jacket he made me right now. I had it on when they came for me, but that’s not the thing. The thing is, I didn’t save myself, I saved love.
    So, that night, after I told the Countess how my sweet Foo Dog saved me from the vampyre, the Countess said she was going to go back to the loft to get some money and feed Chet and get the last of William’s blood for Lord Flood, for their love is truly eternal. And Jared and I were like, “We’ll go, too,” but the Countess sent us back to liberate the vampyre Flood from Jared’s basement and his hideous family. So we were all, “Well, okay.”
    But when we got to Jared’s house, Flood was totally gone. And then Steve-I mean Foo Dog-called me and he was all, “I’m getting off work early, I don’t want to leave you out there unprotected.”
    So I told him where we were. Then Lord Flood comes walking out of the dark and he’s all, “What?
    What? What?”
    And I’m all, “The Countess went back to the loft.”
    And he’s all, “She is in danger. We must away.”
    And I was like, “Chill thee thus, for my sweet love-ninja is on the way in his fly ride.”
    So Flood was like, “’Kay.”
    I see now that my attraction to the vampyre Flood was nothing more than childish infatuation, never to be requited, because he had eyes only for the Countess.
    So it was a little awkward when Steve showed up and I had to chill the Lord Flood and make him sit in the backseat to show that my real affections were with Foo Dog, who was formerly known as Steve.
    And when we got to the loft, the windows were open, but there were no lights on. And Flood had us drive a block past, then we got out and he walked back. Then he runs up and he’s like, “Elijah’s up there. He’s got her.”
    And I’m all, “Then go get her.”
    And Steve is like, “No, I’ll go get her.” And he pulls this long coat out of the trunk.
    It’s all covered with warts or something, and I’m like, “Nice coat, but you know, vampyre…”
    And Steve is like, “They’re UV LEDs. Like the lights we burned the vampires with before.”
    And I’m like, “Sweet!”
    So Steve starts to put the coat on and Flood stops him and goes, “He’ll hear you coming up the stairs.
    I’ll go.”
    And Steve is all, “You can’t. It will burn you, too.”
    And Flood is all, “No it won’t.”
    So they are like five minutes behind the car putting together this uber-cool ensem of like an old gas mask, and a hoodie, and full-on gloves and everything, until Flood is totally covered, wearing the long
    coat with the glass warts all over it, looking like one of the cenobites from Hellraiser.
    And Steve is like, “Don’t hit the switch until you know she’s covered.” And he hands Flood like a black rubber tarp and a baseball bat, which totally sucked the cool right out of the ensem, but I guess was necessary.
    Then, just when I’m about to ask how he’s going to get in without being heard, we hear the Countess scream, and Flood runs across the street and about halfway up the side of the building, then turns and runs down it, then across the street, up the side of his building, and goes through the window feet fucking first.
    And I’m like, “Whoa.”
    And Steve and Jared are like, “Whoa.”
    And a second later we hear a thumping, and purple light comes on in the loft windows and the old vampyre comes crashing through the windows on fucking fire, falling like a comet! And he lands on his feet in the middle of the