Your Children Are Listening: Nine Messages They Need to Hear from You

Through?
     
    By this point, I hope you have bought into the power of messages in your children’s lives. The question you may now be asking is: “So how do I get these messages across to my kids?” Before you can take actual steps to convey specific messages, you need to understand the various ways in which you communicate them to your children.
    A recent study compiled a list of the top ten competencies that, according to decades of research, lead children to positive outcomes, specifically, healthy relationships with their parents, health, happiness, and success. This study supports my belief that it is not only what you do for your children, but also who you are that makes a difference.
----
    MESSAGE CONDUITS
     
What you say
What you feel
What you do
Who you are
What your children do
----
    In the category of what you do directly to your children, the research found that, not unexpectedly, love and affection are the number-one predictors of raising healthy children. Also, not surprisingly, the study reported that parents are generally quite good at expressing love and affection. Other “parenting techniques” thatemerged were teaching children to be become independent, promoting learning and education, using behavior management strategies to reinforce good behavior, exposing children to a spiritual life, and ensuring their safety.
    Yet just as important as anything you specifically do to your children, the study highlighted the importance of messages you send through modeling who
you
are. In fact, after love and affection, the second and third most important parenting competencies are your ability to manage stress effectively and to have a positive relationship with your spouse. It seems that how you handle crises and maintain relationships send powerful messages to your children that translate into whether they develop those capabilities as well. A worrisome finding, though, was that parents rate themselves rather poorly on these two essential competencies. Other skills that affect your children include providing for their basic needs, planning for the future, and leading a healthy lifestyle that combines exercise and good eating habits. A final result of the study worth mentioning is that parents who actively seek to educate themselves about child-rearing “best practices” tend to produce better outcomes. Such parents have better relationships with their children, and their children are healthier, happier, and more successful.
MESSAGE CONDUITS
     
    What you say. Your messages come from what you say to your children directly. For example, “What you did was not kind!” or “You were so generous in sharing your toys with Sofia.” Before you tell your children something that you believe has an important message in it, be sure to consider what the real message you want to communicate is and if your words will best convey that message. For instance, a key message that I believe all children should get early and often is the need to be helpful around the house (see chapter 11 for more). In response to their children being helpful, most parentssay something like, “You are such a good boy (or girl).” What message does this impart? That when your children do good, they are good and when they don’t, they are bad? This is not a great message because it focuses on who the child is, not on what he or she did to deserve that positive message. The purpose of messages is to encourage attitudes and behaviors you want them to absorb and repeat in the future. If you want your children to learn to be helpful, a better message might be, “You were so helpful. Mommy really appreciates what you have done.” Could your messages be any simpler or more direct? Be aware, though, that verbal messages have their limits with younger children because their language skills are still quite rudimentary. If they don’t have a great command of language yet, they won’t understand what you are saying and won’t get the message. In this case, other message conduits, such as those described below, will be more effective.
    What you feel. You send messages to your children through your emotional content, such as tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language. In fact, your emotional messages may be the most powerful because children, as not yet fully developed verbal beings, are highly attuned to their parents’ emotions. Make no mistake about it, your children will pick up your emotional messages more quickly and