Your Children Are Listening: Nine Messages They Need to Hear from You

category. I also believe that there would be widespread agreement that some messages are harmful to children. I would place messages that convey the values of greed, selfishness, callousness, and mean-spiritedness in this category. Yet I don’t think I would be going out on a limb by suggesting that parents today (not to mention popular culture) often communicate “bad” messages to their children.
    And believe me: You are not alone in sometimes sending unhealthy messages to your children. In a survey of more than 1,600 parents with children between the ages of five and seventeen, the substantial majority said that it was “absolutely essential” that they teach their children to develop self-control, save money, be honest, be independent, do their best in school, have good eating habits, and be well mannered. Yet when asked if they succeeded in sending messages that affirm these beliefs, the discrepancy between the belief and success in conveying the message ranged from 22 percent (e.g., 84 percent of parents believed that they should teach their children to be polite, but only 62 percent felt they had succeeded at sending that message) to 49 percent (e.g., 83 percent believed in the value of self-control, but only 34 percent see themselves as having succeeded in giving that message). As one father who was interviewed put it, “My challenge is I need to be more focused on discipline and all that. Life is so short; I want to have fun.”
    As you are reading this section, I recommend that you consider what messages you may have received during your childhood or later in life that you may inadvertently be passing on toyour children. This process of “looking in the mirror” can be painful because no one likes to look at their baggage and weaknesses. At the same time, it is an act of courage, resolve, and unselfishness to be willing to face your demons for the good of your children. Many of the parents I work with make this commitment, and the result is life-changing for the children. You give your children a lifelong gift when you don’t send them unhealthy messages that your parents may have sent you (or that you picked up elsewhere along the way).
    To be a good role model for you, I’ll share with you (with Sarah’s permission) two bad messages that Sarah and I worry about passing on to my daughters. I have control issues. Though I’m not precisely a control freak in the generally accepted sense of the term, admittedly, when things don’t go as expected, for example we’re running late or Catie and Gracie aren’t being cooperative, I can get stressed out and be pretty darned stern. When our girls push my “control button,” I send them messages of inflexibility, frustration, and disapproval, no doubt tinged with anger (though I am not a yeller).
    In turn, one of Sarah’s “hot buttons” is worrying about being judged by other people, particularly as it relates to her parenting. This sensitivity to what others might think about her can cause Sarah to get angry and be overly controlling with the girls because she’s worried that they will be too loud or rude, even when they aren’t by most standards. Such “out of control” behavior would then reflect badly on Sarah as a mother. The messages that the girls might get include feelings of shame for disappointing Sarah, and the idea that they have to be perfect or they won’t be valued by their mother and others. These messages could then quash their playfulness and spontaneity.
    Both Sarah and I are painfully aware of these and other types of baggage we carry, and we do our best to resist these personal demons. But as we are decidedly flawed human beings, we accept that if we can keep our unhealthy messages to a minimum and thehealthy messages to a maximum, our girls will not only survive but also thrive. In these efforts, we may just finally figure out how to unpack our baggage, which will make all of the Taylors much happier people.
    The upside to knowing your baggage is the realization that you have the power to change the messages you convey to your children. Once you accept the fact that you, like all people, have flaws that might cause you to communicate unhealthy messages to your children, you can learn to be conscious of those messages, take control of them, and stop sending (or at least send fewer) messages that may not be healthy for your children.
    There are no magic steps to recognizing the unhealthy messages that you may be