Your Children Are Listening: Nine Messages They Need to Hear from You

headed to the garage, she stopped, looked me in the eye, and, with an earnestness that only children can express, asked me if I was going to be nice to her this time. With my heart in my throat and tears in my eyes, I gave her a big hug and promised her that I would be very nice, and I was.
    This period early in your children’s lives is so important because the defaults you set for how you express your love may very well determine the kinds of messages that you communicate to them if and when they board that runaway train of achievement that may be such a big part of their lives. Your early messages of love will be received by your children, helping them to establish that wonderful foundation of love for the future. And those early messages of love will become ingrained in you in the form of defaults that will make it easier for you to avoid the “dark side” of love and give your children the healthy love they will need when they venture out into that “big, cruel world.”
LOVE AND TECHNOLOGY
     
    New communication technology has enabled parents to send all kinds of messages to spouses, family, and friends, literally and figuratively. There are mobile phone calls, voicemail, e-mail, and texting. These technological advancements have, in theory, allowed parents to be more efficient, and as a result, spend more quality time with their children. But the reality is very different from the theory. The 24/7 connectivity that now exists has created a new breed of parent who seems to pay more attention to their mobile phones than to their children (probably a slight exaggeration, I admit).
    The next time you go to a playground, for a walk, or grocery shopping, take note of how many parents are talking on their mobile phones, checking their e-mail, or responding to a text message … and thoroughly ignoring their children! What message are these parents sending to their children? The message that children get, however untrue it may be, is that “My phone and all it offers is more important than you.” The meta-message is that the child feels “You must not really love me because you wouldn’t put your phone ahead of my needs if you did.”
LOVE THROUGH YOUR CHILDREN’S EYES
     
    Loving your children isn’t as clear-cut as “conditional love is bad and unconditional love is good.” When I share the contrarian notions that unconditional love may actually be bad and conditional love might actually be good, I provoke very strong reactions from parents arguing otherwise. They just don’t believe that they could ever send the message that they don’t love their children wholeheartedly and without reservation. The mistake these parents make, though, is looking at their love through their own eyes rather than through the eyes (and hearts) of their children. They confuse whatthey feel with what messages might actually be sent and what messages their children might actually receive about love.
    From your children’s perspective, you constantly use love to reward or punish their behavior. When your children behave badly, for example, when they are selfish, whiny, uncooperative, or mean, I’m going to guess that you don’t lavish them with love and affection. In fact, I will bet you get pretty darned annoyed with them, perhaps even angry. You may even yell at them (not recommended, mind you). Are you truly withholding your love in these situations? Of course not; you still love them, so you see your reaction as simply expressing disapproval.
    But remember that this experience isn’t about what you believe or intend, but rather what your children perceive and experience. Until they are approaching middle school, children are not sophisticated enough to tell the difference between “We disapprove of your behavior” and “Because of what you did, we are taking away our love.” Your child’s perception is that love has been temporarily suspended. To your child, it feels like, “I did something wrong, and my parents don’t love me now.” Why do you think parenting experts tell you that, after you have given your children a time-out, you should tell them how much you love them? My point is that, whether you want to admit it or not, you are constantly giving and withholding love from your children’s perspective. In reading this section, please think about my ideas about unconditional and conditional love from the perspective of your children, not yourself.
UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
     
    The basic idea behind